The Pizza Parlor

Prisoners

 * Colonel Hogan - Bob Crane
 * Corporal Louis LeBeau - Robert Clary
 * Corporal Peter Newkirk - Richard Dawson
 * Sergeant James Kinchloe - Ivan Dixon
 * Sergeant Andrew Carter - Larry Hovis

Camp Personnel

 * Kommandant Wilhelm Klink - Werner Klemperer
 * Sergeant Hans Schultz - John Banner

Semi-Regulars

 * Corporal Karl Langenscheidt - Jon Cedar

Guest Stars

 * Major Bonacelli - Hans Conried
 * Mr. Garlotti - Ernest Sarracino
 * Submarine Captain - Harry Lauter
 * Captain Henderson - Jack Good
 * Tony Garlotti - Joe E Tata
 * German Driver - Bard Stevens
 * ATS Sergeant - Elisa Ingram

Synopsis
Hogan bribes a pacifist Italian officer who wants to defect to the Allies with pizza.

Plot Details
It is dinner time at Stalag 13, and LeBeau is cooking up one of his excellent meals, though Hogan jokingly quips that since the war began, LeBeau's cooking time has increased and thus the "service is terrible." LeBeau goes along with it and says he will make a gourmet dish the next night if he can find a chicken, a goose and 4 pounds of wild strawberries. They are soon interrupted by a hungry Schultz, earning LeBeau's ire. Schultz quickly apologises for the intrusion and greedily (but politely) asks for food. LeBeau obliges and Schultz remarks how the two will start a beer garden after the war, before remembering that Klink is due for inspection at any minute. Schultz is naturally scared as not only are the prisoners cooking in the barracks (a breach of regulations) but also, Kinch nowhere to be seen. The hapless sergeant's attention is taken away however when he finds Newkirk is cleaning a gun, HIS gun. Klink arrives for inspection just as Schultz retrieves his gun, and the Heroes hide their food and cooking utensils in a fake bin for firewood and coal. After a surreptitious sniff, but seeing nothing out of the ordinary, Klink accepts Schultz' claim that everything is in order. Hogan guesses that another prison camp commander will be visiting Stalag 13, as this has happened a lot lately. Klink confirms Hogan's guess and boasts about how Berlin considers Stalag 13 the perfect prison camp, and by extension, him the perfect Kommandant. The visiting officer is Major Bonacelli who is based in Capezio, Italy. Hogan jokingly asks if Klink would give his secrets away to a foreigner, to which the Kommandant replies that the Italians are allies, and thus can be trusted. The wily Hogan simply asks which side are the Italians allied to, leaving Klink to "hmph" in response.

Hogan makes contact with the submarine via radio, and after a verbal joust with the sub's commanding officer, Hogan informs him that they can't continue their prisoner-rescue operations until after Bonacelli leaves Stalag 13. The Captain tells Hogan that the allies will soon be making a landing in Capezio and asks Hogan to try and get information on Capezio's defenses from Bonacelli if possible. Hogan agrees but quips that it wouldn't be easy as Bonacelli is likely a "rough, tough character."

This description couldn't be further from the truth, as it turns out, Major Bonacelli is a coward and tries to force his driver to take him to Switzerland at gunpoint as they near Stalag 13. His driver, declaring him a deserter, tries to disarm him but at that moment an air raid begins and the two take cover, Bonacelli hiding near the car and the driver over a hill. A bomb strikes the hill and seemingly kills the driver. Seeing his opportunity, the Italian major tries to drive away, but is soon met by Corporal Langenscheidt and thus is forced to proceed to Stalag 13 as ordered.

Meanwhile, the prisoners are playing a game of volleyball and Hogan remarks that Schultz should join in as the exercise would do him good and that someone of his large frame wouldn't be able to catch a "pretty fraulein." Schultz denies it, saying that he can catch one perfectly well. He is soon convinced to join in by the other prisoners and even hands Newkirk his gun to do so. Klink arrives and introduces Bonacelli to Hogan, who is quick to comment that it's "nice to meet an ally," before Klink reminds him once more that the Italians are not American allies. Bonacelli quickly strikes up a conversation with Klink about how German prison camps compare to Italian ones, and he makes a point that in his camp they have a firm rule that no prisoner is allowed to carry a gun. Klink agrees, before realising that Newkirk is holding Schultz' gun, and immediately berates Schultz for it. The hapless Sergeant assures Klink that there is no danger in Newkirk holding it as he does not keep it loaded. Bonacelli also states that another rule for his prison camp is that all guards must carry loaded guns. Klink, desperate to salvage the situation, orders Schultz to load his gun and report to his office, but is left even more red-faced when Hogan has to remind the departing Schultz to retrieve his gun from Newkirk first. Hogan apologises on Schultz' behalf and states that all the guards with the exception of Schultz, carry loaded guns at all times. Klink assures Hogan that he does not need a vote of confidence and states that he is sure Bonacelli is impressed by how Stalag 13 is run. Hogan agrees, on the basis of how tough Germans can be and even goes so far as to say that Adolf Hitler is pushing around Benito Mussolini around. He is quick to back up his point by the fact that in most photos of the two together, Mussolini is always standing in the back. This statement causes Bonacelli to angrily declare that Germany can only push Italy around so much and starts to make a threat of retaliation to Germany before realising his situation and brushing off his prior statement with a Hitler salute, the shocked Klink mildly salutes back before inviting Bonacelli to inspect the guard towers. They are interrupted however by Corporal Langenscheidt who was sent by the mess sergeant who wants to know what Klink and Bonacelli would like for dinner. Bonacelli is delighted by this and starts to list a variety of Italian dishes but is completely ignored by Klink who orders that they will have boiled potatoes, potato soup and pancakes as well as sauerkraut and sauerbraten, much to Bonacelli's dismay, as he hates German cooking.

Later that day inside the barracks, Hogan believes that they could pursuade Bonacelli to reveal some information in exchange for pizza and asks LeBeau to prepare one. However, the French corporal is disgusted by the very thought of cooking a "piece of cardboard with tomato sauce," after some convincing though, he agrees to cook it but asks for a recipe since he does not have one. Hogan orders the Heroes to ask every prisoner in camp if they have a pizza recipe, with Carter immediately asking Newkirk and earning the usual incredulous look from him. They are unable to find even a single recipe and are forced to contact the sub, who calls London who in turn calls a pizzeria in Newark, New Jersey, the owner Garlotti being the father of one of the prisoners. Garlotti is perfectly happy to provide his pizza recipe, and via the relay the Heroes are given not only the recipe but the lyrics to Santa Lucia as well.

Some time later, Bonacelli and Schultz are touring the exterior of the barracks. Schultz asks Bonacelli if he enjoyed his dinner, but the Italian major claims that he wasn't hungry and thus did not eat. Schultz mildly quips that it's too bad as it has been a long time since he had the opportunity to have such a meal. As they approach Hogan's barracks, they can hear the prisoners singing Santa Lucia, and Bonacelli is intrigued. Soon enough he can smell the pizza they have cooked and enters the barracks alone. much to Schultz dismay. After some preamble, the hungry Bonacelli offers Hogan money in exchange for the pizza. Hogan declines but instead offers to trade it for the troop numbers at Capezio, under the guise of how many pizzas they eat, figuring two per soldier. The major initially refuses, but upon seeing the pizza, gives in and names a figure of 106,000 pizzas consumed. Hogan tries to work out the sum and Bonacelli incredulously tells him to "divide by two," before beginning to eat. He enjoys the meal immensely and heaps praise unto LeBeau for it, who in turn gives credit to Garlotti's father for the recipe. Bonacelli quips that he will visit Garlotti's pizzeria as soon as he gets to America "not after, during," the war. as he believes Italy is on the wrong side. The surprised Heroes realising the opportunity before them convince Bonacelli to return to Capezio as an Allied contact by pointing out that he could very well be a driving force that brings peace to Italy. Bonacelli soon agrees on the condition of being given the pizza recipe.

The next day, Klink and a much more cheerful Bonacelli are seen speaking outside Klink's office. Bonacelli thanks Klink for his hospitality, and even goes so far as to praise Klink as being a far better prison camp commander than he could ever be. Klink takes these comments in his stride as the Italian major goes to start on his way back to Italy. However, a German truck appears and Bonacelli's German driver, whom he thought dead is in the back of it, and seeing Bonacelli, quickly declares him a traitor and reveals the major's plan to desert to Switzerland. Bonacelli is arrested and placed in the cooler, much to the watching Heroes dismay. The Heroes start to plan, and though the idea of having him rescued and sent to England is brought up, Hogan rejects it on the basis that Bonacelli would be far more useful in Italy, thus they need a way to clear Bonacelli's name. Carter suggests that he could escape and have Bonacelli capture him to clear his name, earning a row of negative comments from his fellow Heroes. However, Hogan sees the value of Carter's plan and decides to go along with it, with one adjustment.

Later that night, Hogan uses the tunnel to the cooler to reach Boncelli and convinces him to go along with their plan to clear his name. While this is happening, Klink is on the phone with a general from Berlin, informing them of Bonacelli's suspected plans of desertion and touting himself up for promotion. Schultz barges in and tries to speak with Klink, but the Prussian Colonel angrily orders Schultz to shut up until he finishes his call before speaking with him. Schultz at last informs Klink that there has been an escape. The surprised Klink poses to Schultz what will happen to his reputation if one of his prisoners escapes, but Schultz corrects him quickly, not one, but ten prisoners have escaped, "eleven if you count the Italian major," as Schultz puts it. Knowing he will be made a prisoner himself if he cannot recapture the missing men, Klink leaves his office to begin the search.

Meanwhile, the missing prisoners have massed in the woods outside the camp, though Major Bonacelli is nowhere to be seen despite him being the first one out of camp. Newkirk is quick to denounce the major as having fled for Switzerland, but is soon proven as wrong as Bonacelli appears and rejoins the group, having gotten lost and exhausted himself trying to get back to them. The prisoners resolve to carry the major back to camp.

Klink's search parties have failed to find the prisoners, leaving Klink to go so far as to blame the dogs for the failure, and demanding one be put on report when it barks at him. Schultz offers to go and look himself, but Klink rejects the idea declaring that Schultz "couldn't find his way BACK to the camp." They are interrupted by the escaped prisoners marching and whistling to the front gate, led by Bonacelli who claims that he single-handedly managed to retrieve them. Klink is so relieved that the prisoners have been found that he does not question the ludicrous idea that one unarmed man managed to overpower ten, and makes a show of having the prisoners punished for their escape.

Some time later, Klink receives a letter from Bonacelli who insists that it be read in front of Hogan. Klink reads that Bonacelli is "forcing" his prisoners to work all day by making pizzas. Klink further reads that in the last week, his prisoners have made 110,000 pizzas, and next week they will make 120,000. Hogan realising the meaning, uses long division to work out the sum and tells Klink with veiled sarcasm that "some people think the Italians aren't with you all the way."

Story Notes

 * This is both the twenty-fourth produced episode of the series, but is the twenty-second episode to be shown on television.
 * When the character of Major Bonacelli returns, he is played by a different actor, Vito Scotti.
 * In addition to being one of the great character actors of all time, Hans Conried was one of the great cartoon voices of all time. Joey Tata (Garlotti) is better known today as Joe E. Tata, and was the soda shop owner Nat on Beverly Hills, 90210.
 * There are 103 POWs interned at Stalag 13 at this date, per Hogan.
 * There is no such town or city in Italy as Capezio. The name is actually a trademark for a brand of dancewear and dancing shoes that has been favored by Hollywood actors and performers for decades.

Timeline Notes and Speculations

 * Newkirk begins aging his hootch wine two weeks prior to the start of this episode.
 * A late September or early October 1943 date seems most likely for this episode, given two factors: the recent Allied invasion of Italy and the current state of the German-Italian Axis. This is referenced repeatedly by several of the main characters, including some rather nasty jokes by Hogan. It can't happen after the south of Italy reneged on the Axis and declared war on Germany (October 13), as this would have contradicted Klink's assertions and given Hogan more fuel for his sarcastic one-liners.
 * The planned Allied landing at Capezio is probably a recon-in-force for the subsequent landings at Anzio.

Quotes
Dog: Woof!

Klink: And you call yourself a German Shepherd?

Dog:  Woof!

Klink: You couldn't find a can of dog food!

Dog: Woof!

Klink: Put him on report!

Bloopers

 * In the opening scene, Carter is wearing a wedding ring. The character is not married, although the actor who plays him, Larry Hovis, is.
 * In the first scene with Bonacelli, he hides behind the car during the air raid. A bomb lands directly on his driver, killing him.  Bonacelli looks over the fender to see this.  There is LAUGHTER on the sound track.