Hogan, Go Home

Prisoners

 * Colonel Hogan - Bob Crane
 * Corporal Louis LeBeau - Robert Clary
 * Corporal Peter Newkirk - Richard Dawson
 * Sergeant James Kinchloe - Ivan Dixon
 * Sergeant Andrew Carter - Larry Hovis

Camp Personnel

 * Kommandant Wilhelm Klink - Werner Klemperer
 * Sergeant Hans Schultz - John Banner

Semi-Regulars

 * Colonel Rodney Crittendon - Bernard Fox

Guest Stars

 * SS Guard - David Morick

Synopsis
Hogan is ordered home and Colonel Crittendon is sent to replace him.

Plot Details
The Heroes are massed in the the tunnel being briefed for their latest mission. The Germans are using the Berlin Express to haul munitions and as the train will pass the Kessling refinery, LeBeau and Carter are to place bombs on the train set to go off as the train passes the refinery, taking out both targets. With the briefing complete, Hogan suggests they get some sleep before roll call as the mission is still some time away. As Hogan leaves, Kinch receives a message from London which he and LeBeau describe as "holy cats." The Allied High Command has ordered Hogan to return home to the United States for a hero's welcome and reassignment for a three month bond-selling tour. Newkirk and the others predict Hogan will not take the news well, with Carter musing that the hero's welcome will turn into a dishonourable discharge.

A little later in the barracks, the Heroes are still discussing Hogan's latest orders. They soon come to the decision to let him sleep before telling him. Unfortuantely their conversation was held right outside Hogan's door and he joins them to find out why they were disturbing his sleep. Kinch relays the message to Hogan who declares "I don't believe it..." before joyfully declaring whoever made the order to be his friend for life and telling Kinch to confirm the orders. Disappointed, the rest of the Heroes return to their bunks before musing what they would do if the order was for one of them, all coming to the conclusion that they would leave too. The Heroes all agree that Hogan deserves to be sent home and decide to throw a farewell dinner for him.

Newkirk and LeBeau pay Schultz 1,000 marks to buy ingredients from the local black market and also instruct him to keep the information from Hogan. Schultz however accidentally reveals it to Hogan who discusses it with the Heroes. He thanks them for planning the party for him, but informs them that he has decided not to return home as he can't bring himself to do it. Kinch however reveals that Hogan's replacement has already been dispatched. He is an RAF colonel with commando training and specialises in sabotage. Hogan voices that his replacement sounds like a good one, to which Carter insists that he won't be as great as Hogan is. They are soon interrupted by Schultz who is to bring Hogan to Klink's office, for a reason Klink did not reveal.

Klink begins his meeting with Hogan by subtly toying (or chopping as Klink refers to it) with him, insisting that as he doesn't get one over Hogan very often, he wants to savour the moment. Bit by bit, he reveals that a British colonel was captured nearby and is being brought into camp. Knowing this is his replacement, Hogan tries to leave but is shocked when Klink announces that the captured officer is in fact Colonel Crittendon. Hogan protests, but Klink smugly refuses, even announcing Crittendon will be housed in Hogan's barracks, requiring Hogan to vacate the office. Hogan declares Klink to be an evil man before he leaves, to which Klink giddily replies that he is and he feels good about it too.

Hogan tries to break the news to the Heroes but Klink denies him that opportunity too by bringing Crittendon into the barracks immediately. None of the Heroes are happy to see Crittendon, even less so when he questions the Heroes security measures. In addition to this, Crittendon also forgets where he hid his verification papers (in his hat) and after taking a while to find them, absent-mindedly burns the prisoners' laundry when disposing of the papers by lighting them on fire and dumping them in the laundry basket.

Some time later, Hogan convenes with Crittendon in his office about their mission. Crittendon reveals that he volunteered to replace Hogan, as he was familiar with him. He also reveals his commando and sabotage training totals a mere three days (the toughest three days of his life). He also shows Hogan his cane, which contains a razor sharp knife (which he uses to spear Hogan's cap by accident). The conversation soon turns to Hogan's escape. Since they are blowing up the Kessling refinery, an escape will be too risky. Crittendon proposes that Hogan be transferred to another camp, and spirited away en-route by the Underground. Hogan agrees with the plan, and leaves to persuade Klink that he intends to escape (thus giving Klink reason to transfer him) but Crittendon insists he will speak with Klink, which results in Hogan getting locked in the cooler. Hogan has Crittendon unlock the cell door (using the key the Heroes "acquired" from Klink). The Kommandant soon arrives to speak with Hogan, who insists he will break out of the cooler. Klink declares it to be impossible which is soon proven wrong when Hogan walks out of the unlocked cell. Fearful, Klink decides to transfer Hogan to Stalag 15.

Hogan says his goodbyes to the Heroes, and subtly confirms with Newkirk that they were able to plant the bombs on the Berlin Express, which Newkirk affirms. Crittendon gives Hogan his cane as a gift just before Klink announces that Hogan will be travelling in style, on the Berlin Express. The horrified Hogan quickly, but subtly shouts for the Heroes to save him as the truck he is riding in leaves.

Some time later, the Heroes and Crittendon have gathered on a nearby road, their plan is to bring down a tree to block the road, thus stalling the truck so they can rescue Hogan. The tree has been weakened to only require one more chop to bring it down, and despite Kinch's insistence they should hew it down before the truck arrives, Crittendon decides to cut it as the truck appears, giving them the element of surprise. The hiding LeBeau signals that the truck is approaching, and Crittendon makes the chop... only for the tree to fall the wrong way and the truck to pass by unhindered. The Heroes soon run to follow the truck and leave Crittendon behind who merely declares "extraordinary thing."

Fortunately for the Heroes, the truck has suddenly become plagued with burst tires. Hogan's escort take some time to fix them, and just as they are finished, Hogan causes another puncture with his cane-knife. His stalling is effective enough that the Heroes arrive in time to overpower the guards and free Hogan. The American colonel quickly orders the guards to fix the tires yet again so the Heroes can drop them off to the nearby Underground unit. Carter asks if they can also stop by the Kessling refinery to watch the explosion, which Hogan denies as he needs to go home... to Stalag 13.

Later that night, Klink is questioning Hogan outside his office. Hogan claims the Underground attacked the truck and freed Hogan, but he decided to return as he feels that Stalag 13 is his home. Klink laughs off the claim, but agrees with Hogan's (off-camera) suggestion that Crittendon needs to be transferred to another camp. Crittendon was caught 50 yards from the camp fence (going IN not out). Hogan soon asks what the time is, Klink replies that it is 7:29 and 40 seconds, just as the Berlin Express and the Kessling refinery go up in flames. The bewildered Klink asks what is happening, and Hogan merely replies that Klink's watch is slow before smugly adding "chop chop."

Story Notes

 * This is the eighty-third episode produced in the series, but is the eighty-first episode to be shown on television and is the nineteenth episode for the Third Season.
 * The Berlin Express was made famous by the 1948 feature film of the same name.
 * Klink's dropping the bomb on Hogan about Crittendon is one of his few - and best - personal triumphs in the whole of the series.

Timeline Notes and Speculations

 * This appears to take place sometime in early fall of 1944.
 * This takes place after The Crittendon Plan, due to Colonel Crittendon's presence. He will be transferred to Stalag 15 at the end of this episode.
 * This takes place after Will the Real Colonel Klink Please Stand Up Against the Wall? due to Burkhalter's mention of the Berlin Express. The use of that train to carry war material is already an established fact in that episode.

Bloopers
The value of the mark changes per episode. 1,000 marks would be a lot of money for anyone, so where would the Heroes get so much money? Would it be from the press? And would that make it suspicious to Schultz to get that amount of money?