How to Win Friends and Influence Nazis

Prisoners

 * Colonel Hogan - Bob Crane
 * Corporal Louis LeBeau - Robert Clary
 * Corporal Peter Newkirk - Richard Dawson
 * Sergeant James Kinchloe - Ivan Dixon
 * Sergeant Andrew Carter - Larry Hovis

Camp Personnel

 * Kommandant Wilhelm Klink - Werner Klemperer
 * Sergeant Hans Schultz - John Banner

Semi-Regulars

 * General Albert Burkhalter - Leon Askin

Guest Stars

 * Dr. Karl Svenson - Karl Swenson
 * Magda Tischler - Doris Singleton
 * Herr Grosser - Edward Knight

Synopsis
Hogan tries to get a Swedish scientist to work for the Allies.

Plot Details
It is laundry day at Stalag 13, and Carter is in the process of destroy-- er, "washing" everyone's army-issue T-shirts. Fortunately he is interrupted by the arrival of General Burkhalter at Klink's office. "Looks official," says an intrigued Hogan. "Let's listen in." The laundry is abandoned, and the Heroes reassemble around the coffee pot in Hogan's office. Kinch plugs it into the wire that leads to the bug in Klink's office, then removes the lid with its concealed speaker and sets it down so everyone can listen. After Klink's usual failed attempt to fawn on his superior, Burkhalter is about to reveal the reason for his arrival when he notices that Klink's picture of Hitler on the wall is hanging crooked. He walks over to it and tries to straighten it. In so doing, and without knowing it, he damages the wires to the bug hidden inside. The bug cuts out, leaving Hogan and his men completely in the dark as to Burkhalter's business. The bug eventually cuts back in, after both Burkhalter and Klink fiddle with the Hitler picture some more in an attempt to keep it from slipping back into a crooked position - but by then it is too late. Burkhalter had concluded his business with Klink and leaves the camp. Hogan is both baffled and frustrated by what's happened. "They said it's something that's going to happen in the next few days," he muses aloud, "but what?" He's not content to wait and see what happens, as Carter suggests. He fears that whatever it might be can't be any good for the Allied cause.

Later, LeBeau monitors Klink's office via a pair of opera glasses hidden inside a book he pretends to be reading, while Carter watches out for him. Hogan checks in, but LeBeau has nothing to report. Kinch, who has been monitoring the coffee pot and the now-repaired bug, also checks in. The only things he has to report are the Klink phoned the local tailor to rush his new uniform and that he's ordered that the camp be tided up. Hogan finds it interesting, since both clues point to the imminent arrival of a VIP visitor. He decides to visit Klink himself and cajole the intel out of him in his usual roundabout way. He is successful, even talking Klink into showing him the visitor's biography in the current German edition of WHO'S WHO. He is Karl Svenson, a world-famous Swedish chemist who has recently developed a formula for a new steel alloy. Klink also claims, despite official Swedish neutrality, that Svenson has been convinced to join the Nazi cause and give them his new formula. The visit to Stalag 13 is part of his acclimation to Germany. "We just want to prove to him what warm, wonderful people we Germans are," Klink adds in a confident tone. Hogan manages a smile, then deadpans, "Well, you can't keep a thing like that a secret."

Hogan has Klink radio London with the news. The Allies are understandably disturbed, since Svenson is an acknowledged genius in his field, but they defer to Hogan in deciding what to do. When the Heroes question Hogan about Svenson's importance, Hogan points out that the Nazis could make their entire war machine lighter simply by using the new alloy. Faster planes, faster tanks, battleships with more guns and armor - and so on. The only way to stop such a development would be to deal with Svenson now, before he turns over his formula to the Nazis. Hogan ponders the matter, then reluctantly comes to a decision. "There's only one way," he says sadly. "We've go to knock him off." He is troubled, though, and rightly so. Assassination of an unarmed enemy civilian is not exactly in the normal line of business for the Unsung Heroes.

Later, Svenson arrives at the camp and is welcomed by Klink. Svenson is not fond of prisons in any form, but acknowledges that "... a POW camp is a necessary evil." Klink quickly agrees, and points out that they both have their respective jobs to do for the Fatherland. "You're a scientist, I run a prison camp," he says. About this time, Hogan convienently enters Klink's office and quickly ingratiates himself into the conversation. Klink offers Hogan as proof that his prisoners are healthy, happy and content, and soon the two of them have allayed Svenson's concerns. Hogan also used the occasion to make Svenson think that Klink occasionally lets the POWs have passes to nearby Hammelburg for short visits. "Me and my men haven't been to town in over two weeks," Hogan says with his best puppy-dog look. A nervous Klink tries to change the subject, but Hogan persists - and Dr. Svenson, as Hogan hoped, joins him in support. Klink has no choice but to issue the pass or lose face in front of Svenson. "But there's no transportation!" he claims in a last desperate effort to head Hogan off. "Then we'll take your staff car!" Hogan gleefuly exclaims, and Svenson adds he wouldn't mind the company back to town. Hogan exits the office, leaving a befuddled and nervous Klink chewing on his knuckles.

Later that night, Hogan and his men find themselves inside one of the better rooms of the Hauserhof hotel in Hammelburg. It would be an enjoyable excursion save for the presence of an angry Schultz, who is sitting by the door with his rifle in his hand. Every time one of them gets up from his seat, he points the rifle at them and makes them sit back down. "You heard what the commandant said!" he bellows at them. "No monkey business!" Klink has given him shoot-to-kill orders if the Unsung Heroes try anything. Hogan calmly pours himself a drink from a nearby crystal full of water. So far, so good. They're in Hammelburg, Schultz is their only guard, and they know how to deal with him. Their room is also on the same floor as Svenson's. The only obstacle is to get past Schultz - a 300-pound armed obstacle, to be sure, but one that can be overcome. Hogan feigns sleepiness and his men follow his lead, "crashing" on the beds, chairs, or anywhere they can find a nice spot. Schultz relaxes ... and the Unsung Heroes start humming "Brahm's Lullaby" in their softest tones. The trick works. Schultz is soon snoring away, and Hogan and LeBeau rig a crude pair of ear mufflers, using a coathanger and LeBeau's gloves, so nothing will wake him up. Hogan, Newkirk, and LeBeau begin to change into the extra clothes they brought with them. Hogan and Kinch also call Svenson's room and trick Klink into going back to camp. Kinch impersonates Gen. Burkhalter on the phone and orders Klink back to Stalag 13. Kinch starts the phone conversation by saying "Klink, you idiot!". Afterwards, Carter quickly briefs Hogan on the pen-sized bomb he has made to kill Svenson. Carter and Kinch remain behind with the sleeping Schultz, while the others slip out of the room.

Not long after, a business-suit-wearing Hogan arrives in Dr. Svenson's suite. The good-natured Swede welcomes him in and offers him a seat, which Hogan takes. Hogan wastes no time. Holding Carter's converted pen, in case he needs it, he asks Svenson, "Whose side are you on?" When the Swede begins to protest, Hogan reveals that he knows about the formula. Svenson looks at him, and then says evenly, "I'm a scientist. All I want to do is to end the war." Hogan is soon convinced of the man's honesty and offers to smuggle him out of Germany within two days. Svenson politely declines, and then reveals that his new formula isn't finished. "Two or three month's more work," he tells Hogan. The colonel has failed to convince the Swede to change sides, but he now longer has an immediate need to assassinate him. "I've now got time to convince you to come over to my side," he says to Svenson, and puts the pen away. Svenson offers to take him down to the hotel bar for a drin, and Hogan accepts.

Down in the bar, a torch singer is serenading the guests. Hogan and Svenson enter, and are soon shown to a private table directly in front of the singer. She is Madga Tischler, a local celebrity. Newkirk appears, in disguise as a waiter, and serves Hogan and Svenson two full glasses of beer. As they drink, Hogan claims that he knows Madga and can arrange for Svenson to meet with her. The Swede eagerly accepts the offer, and Hogan leaves the table for Magda's dressing room. Along the way, he stops for a brief chat with Newkirk and confides, "I think I've found the good doctor's weakness." Hogan next goes to Magda's dressing room, with some conveniently "borrowed" flowers, and claims to be an undercover Hollywood talent scout. Madga points out that "there's a war on," but Hogan persists - promising to arrange everything, and continuing to butter her up with praise. He claims the flowers he brought are from Dr. Svenson, and that the man is too shy to ask her to dinner. Madga is swept away by Hogan's patter, and soon agrees to dine with Svenson that evening in his suite at the Hauserhof. Svenson is elated, and thanks Hogan for arranging matters.

A week passes, much to the irritation of Hogan. Svenson and Magda hit it off at once, and are running around together, but because of this Hogan hasn't been able to get back in touch with the Swede. Also, London is upset that the Unsung Heroes didn't go through with their original assassination plan. Hogan is on the verge of acknowledging failure when a staff car arrives at camp, and two men get out. One of the is General Burkhalter, while the other is a Gestapo plainclothes agent. They head straight for Klink's office, and the Unsung Heroes head straight for Hogan's and the coffee pot. Burhalter introduces the agent to Klink as Herr Grosser, who has been assigned to monitor Dr. Svenson and his recent attachment to Magda Tischler. The Gestapo is concerned that Svenson is now so involved with his new romance that he has set aside work on his new steel alloy formula. "Our government is waiting ..." Herr Grosser notes dryly, and Burkhalter adds that he holds Klink responsible for the current state of affairs. Klinks tries to explain that he was called away from Svenson's suite by Burkhalter himself, shortly before the Swede met Madga, but Burkhalter denies making the call. "I was at my wife's sisters' wedding!" Burkhalter snaps, then accuses Klink of trying to shift the blame for the matter. Herr Grosser's cold words cause both of them to be silent. "Gentleman, when I make my report to Berlin, both of you are going to be in a lot of trouble. Very big trouble." The argument resumes, phone logs vs. wedding witnesses, as the Unsung Heroes continue to listen. Hogan decides they need to smuggle the pair out of Germany - and at that exact moment, Svenson and Magda show up together at Stalag 13 to pay Klink a courtesy visit, and to thank him for bringing them together. They are planning to get married as soon as the arrangements can be made. As soon as Herr Grosser spots them, he places Magda under arrest. "We cannot let anything interfere with your work on the formula," he tells the shocked Dr. Svenson. "That makes this woman an enemy of the Third Reich." Dr. Svenson prompty refuses to continue work, and Herr Grosser arrests him too. He asks Klink to keep them locked up for now at Stalag 13 until he reports to Berlin and makes the necessary arrangements.

As Grosser heads for his car, Hogan runs toward it and appears to scoop up something on the ground. "Excuse me, sir!" he calls out. "I believe you dropped this?" He hand's Carter's pen bomb to Herr Grosser through the car window, and then the car drives away. It blows up just short of the main gate, killing everyone inside. In the resulting confusion, Hogan grabs Svenson and Magda and pulls them aside. "Come with me!" he snaps at them, and rushes them across the compound yard towards Barracks 2. The Unsung Heroes inside are ready and waiting, and the bunk tunnel entrance is already open. "There'll be someone inside to get you to England," Hogan tells them as the rush inside and the pair is herded into the tunnel. "I don't known how to thank you," the unnerved Svenson exclaims, but Hogan has an idea. "Can I kiss the bride?" he asks. Magda agrees, and kisses him back as her own way of thanking him for saving their lives. The pair are quickly rushed down into the tunnels and out of site, and the top entrance is closed again. Hogan gives a big sigh of relief, then looks at his men. "Another day, another dollar," he comments ... and with that, all of them head back into the yard.

Shortly thereafter, Burkhalter is grilling both Klink and Hogan on the front porch of the kommandantur. The camp is in an uproar, and a full-scale search is being conducted for the Swede and his bride. Hogan agrees to testify to the Gestapo that neither Klink nor Burkhalter were nowhere near Grosser's car when it blew up - much to their relief. Klink fears the inevitable Gestapo investigation more than Burkhalter, but Hogan points out that Grosser never got to file his report before he was killed. The apparent contradiction in testimony between the two officers concerning Dr. Svenson's activities will never see the light of day. Hogan plants the suggestion that perhaps Svenson got in the car with Grosser before it blew up, and the pair quickly agree with him. "I know I saw it with my own eyes," Burkhalter lies emphatically, and Klink is quick to agree with him. As Klink continues to fawn on his superior and Burkhalter continues to insist nothing was his fault, a disgusted Hogan sighs and walks away. Lost in all of this is one important and obvious fact - one which the two German officers have conveniently overlooked. What happened to the girl?

Story Notes

 * This is the seventy-fourth produced episode of the series, but is the sixty-ninth episode to be shown on television and is the seventh episode shown for the Third Season.
 * The episode's title is based on the bestselling 1936 self-help book, How to Win Friends and Influence People, by Dale Carnegie.
 * Hogan uses a broken coat hanger and a pair of LeBeau's gloves to create a makeshift set of noise-cancelling headphones for Schultz.
 * Publication mentioned in the episode: Who's Who.
 * The Hitler picture bug in Klink's office is damaged (unknowingly) by Burkhalter
 * Hogan single-handedly kills a Gestapo agent with a bomb.
 * The title of the book inside which LeBeau has hidden a pair of opera glasses is National Conference on Social Work, first published in 1935.
 * Everyone's favorite deadpan Gestapo heavy, actor Edward Knight, returns to play this episode's stock Gestapo agent - Herr Grosser.

Background Trivia

 * Dr. Svenson's claim that he had no stake in World War II but only wanted to see it stopped echoes the words of the most famous Swede of the time. Birger Dahlerus was a businessman and amateur diplomat and a personal friend of Herman Göring. He was used as a front by Göring in what some claim to be the last-ditch diplomatic effort by the Germans, in September of 1939, to head off a British declaration of war following the Nazi invasion of Poland.

Timeline Notes and Speculations

 * This is the thirty-fifth episode in chronological order, per the series timeline. It follows Killer Klink, and is in turn followed by Praise the Führer and Pass the Ammunition.
 * This appears to take place during late spring of 1943, possibly within the month of April. The date is roughly pegged by comparing the events of the episode to the changing attitudes of neutral Sweden towards Nazi Germany at this time.
 * Hogan notes that a week passes between the time he introduced Dr. Svenson to Magda and when the Gestapo showed up to investigate their romance.
 * The metal in question is probably some sort of tungsten steel alloy. Germany led the world at this time in research and production of exotic metal alloys, and had worked with tungsten for military applications since 1933. It is a matter of historical record that top German fighter aces were often given a limited number of tungsten steel sabots to mix in with the regular ammunition of their planes.

Quotes
A phrase widely attributed to General Burkhalter never was actually said by him. Kinch however, said it when he impersonated Burkhalter when luring Klink away from the hotel - "Klink, you idiot!".

____________________________________________________________________________________________

Klink is trying to glad-hand Burkhalter ... as usual ... and not meeting with any success ... as usual.


 * Klink - Would you care for a cigarette, sir?
 * Burkhalter (curtly) - No.
 * Klink - Would you care for a chocolate covered candy?
 * Burkhalter (curtly) - I do not eat candy. I'm on a diet.
 * Klink (fawning laughter) - You're on a diet, sir? Oh, that's ridiculous!!

(Now Burkhalter is regarding him with an evil, icy stare. Klink keeps yapping.)


 * Klink (continuing) - I should be on a diet! Let the wastebasket get fat!

(Klink drops his entire jar of candy into the wastebasket. Burkhalter gives him a look, then goes back to scanning his papers.)

... and later, as our Heroes continue to listen ...


 * Burkhalter - What I'm going to tell you is for your ears alone.
 * Klink - You can depend on me, sir! You know that!
 * Burkhalter - I do not know anything of the kind!!

Hogan and LeBeau, on Klink


 * Hogan - Anything new?
 * LeBeau - Nothing. He just keeps going to his mirror to look at himself.
 * Hogan - Still carrying on that lifelong romance, eh?

The heroes are discussing Kinch's news about Klink's orders to ready the camp. We join the conversation already in progress.


 * Hogan - ... that means the something we're looking for is a someone.
 * Kinch (big grin, exaggerated British accent) - I say, that's very good thinking!
 * Hogan (also grins) - That's why I'm a colonel.
 * LeBeau - If it's a someone, who is it?
 * Hogan (smile turns into a frown) - If I was that smart, I'd be a general.

Hogan, on German leadership


 * Hogan - If the High Command's so smart, what are they doing on the Russian Front?

Klink is singing the praises of Stalag 13 to Dr. Svenson, using Hogan as his example.


 * Klink (puts his arm around Hogan) - Oh, we're one big happy family here! We live together! (slaps Hogan on the back) We sleep together! (slaps him again) We eat together! (slaps him again, laughs nervously)
 * Hogan - That reminds me, sir, there is one complaint.
 * Klink (nervously, thrown off-stride) - There IS one complaint?
 * Hogan - Yes. At dinner last night, there was just a touch too much lemon in the sauce béarnaise.
 * Klink (double-take, then snaps his fingers and follows Hogan's lead) - I remember that! Remind me, I must talk to the cook about that!
 * Hogan - Uh-huh.

Carter takes pride in his explosives craftsmanship


 * Carter - This is a most unusual fountain pen ... for writing off people.
 * Newkirk - You're telling me that little thing's a bomb?
 * Carter - Well ... we're only killing one guy.

Hogan and Newkirk discuss Svenson's marital status


 * Hogan - In the report we got from London, what did it say about him being married?
 * Newkirk - It said he'd made the trip...been down the aisle four times.
 * Hogan (amazed) - He's practically a commuter!

Hogan and Svenson, on romance


 * Svenson - Have you never felt a love that comes to a man once in a lifetime?
 * Hogan (deadpan) - Dozens of times.

(Svenson smiles, then does a double-take)

A typical exchange as Klink welcomes Burkhalter on one of the latter's frequent visits to Stalag 13.


 * Klink - General Burkhalter! What an unexpected pleasure it is to see you!
 * Burkhalter - Unexpected, yes. Pleasure, no!

Bloopers

 * Klink comes outdoors without his officer's cap when he greets Burkhalter (1:20). This is in violation of standard military protocol. Officers must always wear their cap whenever they are outdoors.
 * Burkhalter should have noticed the bug in the Hitler picture, as close as he was to it (starting at 02:25). Then again, had he found the bug, it would have made for a rather short series. A dramatic concession for entertainment's sake.
 * The microphone that Madga is using on stage to sing with is of contemporary design, not an authentic period prop.