That's No Lady, That's My Spy

Prisoners

 * Colonel Hogan - Bob Crane
 * Corporal Louis LeBeau - Robert Clary
 * Corporal Peter Newkirk - Richard Dawson
 * Sergeant Andrew Carter - Larry Hovis
 * Sergeant Richard Baker - Kenneth Washington

Camp Personnel

 * Kommandant Wilhelm Klink - Werner Klemperer
 * Sergeant Hans Schultz - John Banner

Semi-Regulars

 * General Albert Burkhalter - Leon Askin

Guest Stars

 * Mrs. Mannheim - Alice Ghostley
 * Red Riding Hood - Wendy Wilson
 * Oskar Danzig - Jon Cedar
 * Patrol Leader - David Morick
 * Berta Burkhalter - Diana Chesney

Synopsis
Newkirk poses as a General's wife to get penicillin to an ill underground leader.

Plot Details
It is late one winter night, not far from Stalag 13. Hogan and the Unsung Heroes wait in the snow-covered woods not far from one of the main roads. They are to meet with Oskar Danzig, leader of the Hammelburg underground. A famous female impersonator before the war, Danzig is known as a master of disguise and Hogan is unsure whether or not they'll know him for who he is. Nevertheless, as scheduled, a car pulls up to the side of the road, flashing its lights at them. They respond, and its driver steps out - Danzig himself, looking quite normal save for a mid-length beard. "If one does not vary one's disguises," he explains to Hogan, "they are no longer disguises." An impressed Hogan hands over to Danzig a secret map that he is to pass on to his contacts. It is important that Danzig do this because he is one of the few members the German underground that everyone can trust completely. Suddenly the meeting is interrupted by the abrupt arrival of a Gestapo patrol, which has apparently been tailing Danzig. Danzig takes off at once and Hogan's men dive for cover as the SS men spray machine gun bullets everywhere. They continue chasing Danzig's car down the road, giving Hogan and his men the time they need to escape - except for one thing. LeBeau lies face-down on the ground, bleeding from a bullet wound in the shoulder. Newkirk gingerly rolls him over, and then says in a small voice, "Oh no... Colonel, my old mate's been hit."

The unconscious LeBeau is rushed back to Stalag 13 as fast as Hogan and the others can manage while avoiding additional SS patrols. Newkirk begins work at once to stop the bleeding, while Hogan gives orders for medicine and medical supplies to be brought down into the tunnels. All of a sudden Newkirk stops them, and calls Hogan over. LeBeau was only grazed, it seems, and the wound looks far more serious than it actually is. At that LeBeau finally comes to, and Newkirk berates him for scaring them the way they did. LeBeau asks why he was unconscious, and then faints at the sight of blood and passes out. The others are exasperated by this, but secretly happy that LeBeau is in fact all right. The news of LeBeau's good fortune is interrupted by a frantic call "in the clear" from the Hammelburg underground. LeBeau may have only been grazed, but Danzig took a slug to the belly and is badly injured. Worse, the wound has become infected. He needs penicillin and quickly, or he will die. Hogan promises to arrange an air drop to save Danzig's life.

The next day, during afternoon roll call, as the snow begins to fall once again, Colonel Klink announces that he is holding a tea party for the wives of local German military commanders. He asks for volunteers from the prisoners to serve as busboys, but all he gets are insults and snowballs. For that, Klink forces the issue - he will get his volunteers, else the prisoners will have no lights (or electricity, implied) in their barracks at night. Hogan has no choice but to ask his fellow POWs to comply.

That evening, Newkirk and Carter go out to pick up the penicillin that Danzig needs. They are spotted by an SS patrol even as the plane closes on the drop point. It appears that there are many such patrols, combing the woods for any sign of Oskar Danzig. They risk their own lives to stay long enough to snag the drop, then run like hell once the SS patrol spots them. They manage to evade them long enough to make it to the hollow stump of the emergency tunnel to Stalag 13, thus escaping capture. Hogan now has the penicillin. The only question is, how to get it to Danzig (who is slipping fast) while evading the SS patrols? There is a possible solution at hand, and for that the Unsung Heroes must count on Newkirk, their own master of disguise.

The next evening, Klink's tea party is in full swing in the dining area of his quarters. All of the ladies are busy gorging themselves on LeBeau's pastries and gabbing away as any normal group of women will do, while Klink, Schultz, Hogan, and General Burkhalter watch from the sidelines. Burkhalter's own wife Berta is present, and Burkhalter is forced to agree with both Klink and Hogan in that she is eating the most food of any lady present. As the phone rings, and Klink excuses himself to answer it, another lady quitely joins the party. It is Newkirk in a disguise so effective that he quickly blends right in. Klink returns to inform Burkhalter that one of his expected guests will not be able to attend. The ever-observant Burkhalter finds this news curious - because the count of women present at the party equals the number of women Klink originally invited. Before Burkhalter can take his suspicions to their natural conclusion, however, Hogan quickly intervenes. He plants the suggestion that the extra lady present might be Danzig himself, and that Burkhalter and Klink should handle the matter themselves. Calling in the SS might alert Danzig that the game is up. Klink asks to be given the honor of unmasking Danzig, citing his "experience with women." Burkhalter is doubtful but agrees. With that, Klink begins walking around the room, practically stalking each of the ladies in turn, save two - Berta Burkhalter, for obvious reasons; and the disguised Newkirk, whom he apparently finds too repulsive to be a spy. Finally he settles in on the wife of Field Marshall Mannheim, having noted something unusual about her hairdo. With a loud "Ah-hah!" he suddenly grabs her hair and yanks upward - revealing only that she is wearing a wig. Frau Mannheim is both shocked and humiliated, and the other women appalled, at Klink's outlandish and rude behavior. Newkirk, rolling with the flow, quickly rushes to Frau Mannheim's side and offers to drive her home. She graciously accepts, and while Berta Berkhalter and the other women give the two German officers and Schultz a good tongue lashing, Newkirk drives his charge out the front gate. Not far behind are the rest of the ladies from the tea party, with a furious Burkhalter in tow ... and, as Hogan glibly points out long after the fact, "Danzig" was probably the woman that drove Frau Mannheim home.

The next day, a decrepit old man is wandering down a road not far from Stalag 13. He is stopped by a SS patrol and its captain demands to see his papers. The man just looks at him. "Are you deaf?" the SS officer screams at him. At that, the man pulls out an old-fashioned hearing trumpet and sticks it to his ear. The SS officer screams at him again, whereupon the old man pulls out an worn fob watch and gives them the time. Exasperated, the SS officer orders his men to move on ... and a heavily disguised Newkirk chuckles to himself as he watches them go.

Later, in the tunnels, Newkirk explains to his friends that Danzig provided him the disguise and some pointers to make it effective. The former nightclub performer is now doing better thanks to the penicillin, and will be recovered enough to deliver the map on time as promised. Hogan then asks why it took so long for Newkirk to get back from town. Newkirk apologizes, and explains that he was delayed by some ladies that he met ... and as he prepares to tell about his recent romantic escapades, the other Unsung Heroes slip away, leaving him alone and apparently talking to himself as he plucks away at his false beard.

Story Notes

 * This is the one hundred and sixty-second produced episode of the series, but is the one hundred and sixty-first to be shown on television, and is also the seventeenth episode shown for the Sixth Season.
 * The episode title is a wordplay on the classic English joke punchline, "That's no lady, that's my wife." Who first said it is unknown, but its origins lie somewhere in 19th century vaudeville and music hall comedy.  In modern times it is often incorrectly attributed to British author P.G. Wodehouse - who used it in his novel The Mating Season.
 * A convincing, consistent and accumulating snowstorm is created for one of the roll calls.
 * LeBeau is grazed by a German bullet. He is the only one of our heroes who is wounded (however slight) during the course of the whole series.
 * The scene where Newkirk cradles the fallen LeBeau, saying quietly, "Colonel, my old mate's been hit," is considered one of the series' most dramatic moments.
 * LeBeau can't stand the sight of blood, and faints whenever he sees it.
 * Carter volunteered for military service after meeting with a local Army recruiter, while on his way to the post office to mail a letter. This is in contradiction to Don't Forget to Write, where we learn Carter was drafted.
 * Carter has an Uncle Sam and an Aunt Bessie.
 * Burkhalter's home is "exactly two miles" from Stalag 13.

Background Trivia

 * Danzig's car is the 1935 Vauxhall 14/6 seen earlier in The Missing Klink and The Gestapo Takeover.
 * This is the only episode where we get to see Berta Burkhalter, General Burkhalter's wife ("The fat little lady in the red dress" who eats like a pig, according to Klink).
 * As in several other episodes throughout the series, actor Jon Cedar gets a break from his normal semi-recurring role of Corporal Langenscheidt to appear as a guest star. This time around, he plays underground leader Oskar Danzig.
 * Alice Ghostley (Mrs. Mannheim) also stands in for Kathleen Freeman as Frau Linkmeyer, General Burkhalter's man-hungry sister, in the Fourth Season episode, Watch the Trains Go By.
 * Alice Ghostley was married for 50 years (until his death in 2003) to Felice Orlandi, who appeared semi-regularly as the French underground agent Maurice Dubois/Claude Boucher.
 * Penicillin was first discovered between the World Wars by Scottish scientist Alexander Fleming in 1928, for which he won a Nobel Prize. Its ability to save a dying patient's life was first successfully demonstrated in March of 1942. Despite its powerful properties, it was so difficult to make during World War II that available supplies were limited almost exclusively to research and military use. Effective mass-production techniques for making penicillin were not invented until after the war's end.

Timeline Notes and Speculations

 * This is the seventeenth episode in chronological order, per the series timeline. It follows The Big Gamble, and is in turn followed by The Softer They Fall.
 * This probably takes place in December of 1942. Schultz observes that it's the middle of winter, and it begins to snow heavily during the episode. Newkirk offers Klink a snowball "for the boys in Stalingrad." Klink comments on the "terrible time" that the Germans are having on the Eastern Front.
 * Underground agent Danzig was Germany's most popular female impersonator before the war. He gives Newkirk some important pointers in disguises, and even loans him a very effective disguise as a doddering old man. This helps explain Newkirk's talent for disguises (and female impersonation) that was evident in previously produced episodes.
 * Hogan foresees the events of I Look Better in Basic Black (and even quotes the episode title) when selecting Newkirk to penetrate Klink's tea party disguised as a woman.

Quotes
As the Unsung Heroes wait for Danzig to arrive ...


 * Hogan - Where's Carter?

(A bush beings moving up behind Newkirk.)


 * Baker - He was here a minute ago.
 * Newkirk - I'll go and get him.

(Newkirk turns and almost walks into the bush Carter is hiding behind)


 * Carter - Never mind! Here I am.
 * Hogan - Carter, get rid of that bush.
 * Carter - But colonel, it's camouflage.
 * Hogan (irritated) - Carter, do as I say.
 * Carter - But there's more bushes like this back there.
 * Hogan (exasperated) - Carter!
 * Carter (innocently) - But what's wrong with a bush, colonel?
 * Hogan (evenly) - Well, for one thing it's poison ivy.

(Carter starts, then throws the bush away from him, bumping into Newkirk as he does.)


 * Newkirk - Don't touch me!

The next day, inside Barracks 2, as the snow begins to fall ...


 * Schultz (entering) - Out, everybody! Roll call in five minutes! Out, out, out, out, out! Out, everyb--

(He slaps LeBeau on the shoulder. LeBeau flinches in pain)


 * LeBeau (grabbing his shoulder) - Ow!!
 * Schultz (surprised) - What's the matter, cockroach?
 * Newkirk - Oh, it's sunburn, Schultz.
 * Schultz - Oh, I'm sorry--sunburn!? Sunburn in the middle of winter?!
 * LeBeau - I have very tender skin.
 * Newkirk - Like a baby.
 * Carter - That's true. He can't even sit under a reading lamp with his shirt off for more than ten minutes.
 * Schultz - Are you pulling my leg, Carter?
 * Newkirk - A man'd be barmy to pull your leg, Schultz, unless he was lookin' for a hernia.

Schultz, LeBeau, and Newkirk discuss the tea for Klink's tea party


 * Newkirk - I'm going to need a few things, you know.
 * Schultz - What for?
 * Newkirk - Well you don't think I'm going to let Frenchman make the tea here, do you? He hasn't got a clue.
 * Schultz - Don't they drink tea in France?
 * LeBeau (matter-of-factly) - We don't drink anything we don't stomp on.
 * Newkirk - I'd like a pound of the finest darjeeling, two gallons of spring water, a copper kettle, and a sterling silver service.
 * Schultz (sarcastically) - Anything else?
 * Newkirk - Oh, yeah. A needlepoint tea cozy.

Klink, Schultz, Burkhalter, and Hogan observe the tea party ....


 * Klink - Delightful tea party! Isn't it, General Burkhalter.
 * Burkhalter - If you like tea parties ....
 * Hogan - The guests are certainly enjoying themselves, sir. That's the third tray of hor'd'ouvres that LeBeau has sent in.
 * Klink (aside to Burkhalter) - The fat little lady in the red dress has been eating steadly for over an hour and a half.
 * Burkhalter (quietly) - That's my wife.
 * Klink (quickly) - Did I say red dress? I-- I meant green dress, of course! I'm color blind, you know.
 * Burkhalter (evenly) - Klink, you meant the lady in the red dress, and she has been eating steadily for an hour and a half.
 * Klink - I'm sure Mrs. Burkhalter was famished when she arrived. It's a long trip to this camp.
 * Burkhalter (sharply) - Exactly two miles. (looks at Klink, quiet aside) And she ate a sandwich in the car.

Bloopers

 * Near the end of the episode when Mrs. Burkhalter says (regarding Mrs. Mannheim) “I knew it was a wig the whole time”, it sounds as if her voice has been dubbed over