Will the Real Colonel Klink Please Stand Up Against the Wall?

Prisoners

 * Colonel Hogan - Bob Crane
 * Corporal Louis LeBeau - Robert Clary
 * Corporal Peter Newkirk - Richard Dawson
 * Sergeant James Kinchloe - Ivan Dixon
 * Sergeant Andrew Carter - Larry Hovis

Camp Personnel

 * Kommandant Wilhelm Klink - Werner Klemperer
 * Sergeant Hans Schultz - John Banner

Semi-Regulars

 * General Albert Burkhalter - Leon Askin
 * Major Wolfgang Hochstetter - Howard Caine

Guest Stars

 * Captain Herber - Noam Pitlik

Synopsis
Klink gets a date with the firing squad when Carter, disguised as Klink, is seen at a sabotage site.

Plot Details
General Burkhalter is in a meeting with Major Hochstetter and his new aide, Captain Herber. Using a map, Burkhalter points out to the two Gestapo officers the recent train sabotage over the past month in the Hammelburg area. A troop train, a fuel train and a hospital train have all been destroyed. Hochstetter is outraged, especially due to the sabotage of the hospital train, but Burkhalter tells him it was actually moving a vital shipment of ammunition. Burkhalter gets to the business end of their meeting and informs the two Gestapo another train is due to pass through Hammelburg containing aircraft engines for the Luftwaffe, which must get through. Hochstetter asks who has the train schedules in advance. Burkhalter says only the local P.O.W camp kommandants, Braun, Schlessenger and Klink. As Braun and Schlessenger are known to be dedicated and loyal, suspicion naturally falls on Klink, despite Burkhalter's skepticism that Klink is capable of sabotage of this magnitude. Hochstetter nonetheless has worked out a plan to catch Klink (whether guilty or not), by having Captain Herber assigned as Klink's aide to spy on him and catch him the moment there is any sign of a sabotage plot. With the plan established, attention turns to how the new train is being disguised. Burkhalter explains the train will appear to be the Berlin Express, an idea he suggested and which Hochstetter accidentally refers to as every bit as good as the idea for the hospital train, earning Burkhalter's ire.

Meanwhile, the Heroes are in a meeting of their own. Reveling in their success over bombing the hospital train, their attention turns to a message Kinch has received telling them another train is due to pass by with engine parts. Hogan orders the cleaning job the Heroes are doing on Klink's car be put on hold in case they need to use it again. LeBeau wonders what the train will be disguised as, seeing as they've already used a hospital train, prompting Carter to suggest it might be disguised as a munitions train, earning a look of reproach from the Heroes. Hogan suggests they wait for Klink to receive the train schedule, but Newkirk tells him he already has, prompting Hogan to declare "we have work to do" as they leave.

Klink is on the phone with Burkhalter as Hogan arrives in his office. The Prussian colonel insists he does not require an aide, but is characteristically cowed upon Burkhalter's order to shut up and accept the extra help. Hogan goes to work on Klink once the call is finished, telling him it will take a week to fix his car. Klink is naturally astounded as he only wanted it washed, but he is taken in by Hogan's assertion eight parts are missing. Blame is first placed on the residents of nearby Hammelburg, prompting Klink to declare "a bigger bunch of thieves never existed" before realizing he managed to drive back with no problems, so the townspeople aren't to blame. Hogan muses the culprit must be one of the camp guards. Klink tries to pin the blame on Hogan, which doesn't get very far. While Klink thinks it over, Hogan presses the buzzer on his desk to summon Schultz from the outer office. As the heavyset sergeant leaves, Newkirk quickly retrieves the train schedule and takes a photograph. Schultz meanwhile reports to Klink, whom Hogan feeds the idea of "checking into this thing." When Schultz asks what he wants checked into, the exasperated Klink declares he can't even remember pushing the buzzer, let alone what he wanted.

Later that night, Carter is being fitted with a Luftwaffe colonel's uniform. The Heroes' plan is for Carter, under the guise of Colonel Klink, to leave in Klink's staff car for the nearby train station. He will have a package containing a bomb placed on the Berlin Express and return to camp. Carter is concerned the station master might put up some resistance, possibly with a gun. Hogan reminds Carter civilians aren't permitted to wield firearms and Kinch will be accompanying him in any case, assuaging his concerns. The American colonel then gives Carter the directive to park Klink's car on the Hammelburg road, rather than driving it back into camp.

Klink meanwhile is being escorted to his quarters by Captain Herber (dressed in Luftwaffe uniform). Herber asks if Klink would like his nightly cup of hot milk, and to be woken up as 6:30 as is his custom. Klink wonders how Herber knows about his procedure, but Herber insists it is simply his duty to know, especially when serving an officer of "such importance" and that same importance is why he was assigned to Klink in the first place. The Prussian colonel is fully taken in by Herber's flattery and says Schultz was not much of an aide. Herber jokes Schultz isn't much of a sergeant either, to Klink's glee. As Klink dismisses Herber, Schultz appears from Klink's quarters with a glass of hot milk. Klink forgot to ask but Schultz prepared it for him anyway. Klink guiltily tries to thank Schultz, but the downtrodden sergeant simply replies it's "all part of being not much of an aide."

A little later, the disguised Carter enters Klink's staff car after forcing one of the camp dogs out of it. However, he is seen by Captain Herber, who thinks it is Klink and finally has the evidence he's been looking for.

Hogan and Newkirk are discussing the mission in the colonel's office. Hogan is naturally concerned, but Newkirk waves away his fears and starts saying how much he trusts Carter - only to stop mid-sentence to ask if Kinch is with him. LeBeau reports Carter made it out of camp safely, then they are interrupted by noise on the coffee pot listening device. Wondering why Klink would be up so late, they listen in. However it is Herber and not Klink who is in the office, and he is making a call to Hochstetter reporting Klink's supposed sabotage act. Hochstetter, happy to have something on Klink, orders Herber to search the office for any more incriminating evidence and to phone the train station master to put "plan B" into effect. With no time to lose, Hogan orders LeBeau to hook up a new phone line to Klink's office (since they had to remove it the last time they had an inspection) while he stalls Herber. Hogan dashes for Klink's office, and under the guise of speaking with Klink, interrupts Herber who is trying to break into the desk. The wily colonel manages to buy several minutes of time, mostly through accusing Herber of ransacking Klink's office and giving him advice on how to do it properly (i.e. closing the curtains first). The Gestapo captain bluffs and claims he had a legitimate reason for being there, before pulling rank by insisting he has no need to explain himself to a prisoner of war. Hogan says Herber needs to lose his temper if he is to succeed in the "crook" business before leaving.

Newkirk manages to intercept Herber's call (as LeBeau was successful) and impersonates the train station master. Herber orders the Berlin Express to be changed to the alternate route, which Newkirk acknowledges. The English corporal ends the call just as Hogan and LeBeau arrive in the tunnel. The train has been taken care of, but another problem has presented itself: Klink's "involvement" in the sabotage. LeBeau says Klink could simply say he was sleeping which would clear him. But Hogan reminds him Herber believes he saw Klink leave, and Klink could not prove he was in bed. LeBeau suggests maybe Schultz or another guard could vouch for him, but this too is shot down as Klink has standing orders not to be disturbed until morning. However, it does give Hogan an idea.

The American colonel barges past Schultz and into Klink's quarters in order to see the Kommandant, but Schultz reminds Hogan of the "do not disturb" orders. Hogan keeps trying to get into Klink's bedroom, but Schultz is adamant he is not to be disturbed. Hogan feigns defeat and steps away from Klink's door, but tries to enter it again causing the heavyset sergeant to back into it and accidentally break it down. Klink wakes up immediately, and wielding his boot like a gun, threatens the intruder with it, claiming to be an expert shot. Hogan walks in and turns on the light, prompting the astounded Klink to ask where Schultz is. Schultz, still lying on the floor, says he is "guarding the door."

As expected, Klink is arrested by Major Hochstetter for questioning with Burkhalter also gracing the proceedings. Klink tries to have Captain Herber vouch for his whereabouts, but Hochstetter reveals Herber's testimony that Klink left the camp for the railroad station that night. Klink says his car is not in driving condition and is still being repaired. But Hochstetter dismisses the claim, pointing out the car was found on the Hammelburg road outside of camp. Klink insists the car must have been stolen, and puts the blame on his camp guards as Hogan did earlier. Hochstetter doesn't believe a word Klink is saying and they are soon met by Herber who smugly points out Klink looks rather tired for someone who was sleeping. Klink boldly tries to have the guards and then Burkhalter arrest Herber, before insisting he would do it himself, if someone gave him a gun. Hochstetter however hands Klink a confession and orders him to sign it. in a rare show of bravery, Klink insists he will sign nothing, which suits Hochstetter just fine. The Prussian colonel asserts his innocence, saying he was asleep until awoken by Schultz. Then he realizes Schultz and Hogan can vouch for him.

Schultz, not knowing why he was summoned, declares he knows nothing before being reminded the case is concerning Klink, not him. Burkhalter addresses Schultz as "sergeant", only to be corrected by Schultz who sadly reveals he has been demoted to private, as punishment for breaking down Klink's door. The Kommandant, fearing Schultz might hold out on him, restores him to his old rank, claiming his demotion was a joke. Schultz, now bolstered by his return of rank happily testifies he did see Klink that night. Hogan testifies he saw Klink too (but only after manipulating Klink into revoking his punishment of a month without privileges). Schultz goes on to say the drama occurred at 11:03 pm, as he happened to sit on his watch and it stopped. Klink's phone rings, and Hochstetter answers it to hear the telephone lines to the railroad station have been down all day and thus Herber couldn't have ordered "plan B" as he claimed. With such overwhelming evidence clearing Klink, Burkhalter dismisses him, Schultz and Hogan. Then he and Hochstetter round on Herber. As the three begin to leave, Schultz accidentally hits Klink in the face when he opens the door, prompting the angry Klink to once again demote him to private.

Klink goes back to bed and Hogan visits his quarters once more, but the irate Schultz will have none of it. They end up arguing so loudly it wakes Klink up. The Kommandant demands to know why they are shouting, and Hogan quickly gets to the point of demanding Klink restore his privileges (as he once again took them away). Klink remains firm, but Hogan reminds him it is only his and Schultz's testimony that saved him, and it would be all too easy for them to forget should the matter be pursued again. Understanding the threat, Klink restores Hogan's privileges and Schultz's rank of sergeant before openly wondering what the train was carrying that was so important. A loud explosion occurs and something metallic blasts through Klink's window. Hogan picks it up and with a smile declares "My guess would be airplane parts."

Story Notes

 * This is the one hundred and seventh episode of the series, but is the one hundred and fifth episode to be shown on television and is the thirteenth episode shown for the Fourth Season.
 * Colonels Braun and Schlessenger, mentioned by Burkhalter and Hochstetter early in the episode, are the two officers who replaced Colonels Bormeister and Busse after their flight from Germany ("The Schultz Brigade").
 * Hochstetter gets his own office set starting with this episode. In earlier episodes, his office had been a redress of an existing set.
 * This episode confirms not only is Schultz the Sergeant of the Guard at Stalag 13, he is also Klink's personal aide.
 * LeBeau has to reinstall the phone tap in Klink's office, which was removed before the last camp inspection, according to Newkirk.

Timeline Notes and Speculations

 * This appears to take place in September of 1944. Gruber doesn't seem to be around, so perhaps Burkhalter has temporarily reassigned him to accommodate Hochstetter's scheme.
 * This episode occurs before Hogan, Go Home. This is the first time Burkhalter makes mention of the Berlin Express being used to haul German war materials. In Hogan, Go Home, this is already an established fact.

Quotes
After Klink discusses with Herber why he was given an aide.


 * Klink: You see, up until now all I've had is Sergeant Schultz. He wasn't much of an aide though.
 * Herber: From what I've seen, he isn't much of a sergeant either.
 * Klink: (laughing) That's funny, very funny. Sergeant Schultz isn't much of a sergeant. I must remember that.
 * Schultz: (appearing with Klink's nightly hot milk) You didn't call for your hot milk, Herr Kommandant, but I fixed it anyway.
 * Klink: (feeling guilty) Thank you Schultz.
 * Schultz: You don't have to thank me, Herr Kommandant. This is all part of being not much of an aide.

During his interrogation.


 * Klink: Schultz and Hogan were in my bedroom tonight.
 * Burkhalter: What time was that?
 * Klink: I'm not sure, but you can ask that clumsy oaf... (remembering his earlier insult) that fine, loyal, German fighting machine, Sergeant Schultz.

Regarding Schultz and Hogan vouching for Klink's whereabouts.


 * Hogan: How's your memory...Private Schultz?
 * Schultz: Sometimes I remember everything and sometimes I forget everything.

Bloopers

 * Hauptsturmführer (Captain) Herber wears Obersturmbannführer (Lieutenant Colonel) collar tabs and Sturmbannführer (Major) shoulder boards.
 * In addition, in his guise as a Luftwaffe Captain, Herber is wearing a metal breast Eagle. This was a device used only on Dress White tunics, the most formal of all military uniforms. Also, despite his relatively insignificant rank of Hauptmann (Captain), his campaign ribbon bar begins with TWO identical Iron Cross Second Class ribbons - only one was allowed to be worn at any time. In the event of a WWI Iron Cross Second Class recipient receiving an Iron Cross in WWII, a special spange (clasp/military honor device) was affixed to the Iron Cross ribbon. In any case, his campaign ribbon bar is extraordinarily long for his rank, incorrectly out of order and improperly decorated.