The Antique

Prisoners

 * Colonel Hogan - Bob Crane
 * Corporal Louis LeBeau - Robert Clary
 * Corporal Peter Newkirk - Richard Dawson
 * Sergeant James Kinchloe - Ivan Dixon
 * Sergeant Andrew Carter - Larry Hovis

Camp Personnel

 * Kommandant Wilhelm Klink - Werner Klemperer
 * Sergeant Hans Schultz - John Banner

Semi-Regulars

 * General Albert Burkhalter - Leon Askin
 * Fräulein Hilda - Sigrid Valdis

Guest Stars

 * Janine Robinet - Brenda Benet
 * Kristina - Mari Oliver

Synopsis
Hogan gets Klink to open an antique business by selling "rare" cuckoo clocks that Klink buys in town, so that the POWs can smuggle information out in the timepieces.

Plot Details
It is late at night at Stalag 13, and the Heroes are expecting LeBeau who was sent out to bring an Underground agent to Stalag 13. LeBeau is very late, and the camp guards and patrols have been doubled. Naturally fearful for LeBeau's safety, Hogan orders Newkirk and Carter to leave through the tunnels in case LeBeau needs cover to get back in, and Hogan instructs that if they don't find him in fifteen minutes, to return. Newkirk and Carter hear a disturbance in the tunnels, and perform an armed investigation, only to happen upon LeBeau and the Underground agent who are enjoying wine. It is immediately obvious that the agent, Kristina is a woman, but LeBeau, desperate to cover his lateness, insists he only just realised it. After some words from Newkirk, the four return to the barracks where Kristina informs Hogan that the Underground courier system has been broken, which is unwelcome news as the Heroes have information to be given to various contacts throughout Europe in regards to the upcoming French invasion. Newkirk semi-jokingly offers to handle escorting Kristina from the camp if Hogan can come up with a way to distribute the information, a feat which Newkirk estimates will take roughly three months at the most

As the Heroes and Kristina are enjoying dinner (which LeBeau keeps asking for Kristina's opinion on) Hogan muses as to how they could get the information to the contacts, radio having been dismissed as any interception could spell doom for the upcoming invasion. They are soon met by a hungry Schultz who is there officially to bring Hogan to Klink's office, but also to try and get some of LeBeau's excellent food. Schultz comes close to catching Kristina but are headed off by the Heroes by luring him into a waltz (which he claims has earned him the title of "Die Glitterzehe" or "Twinkletoes") after Schultz tried to frisk Hogan on their way out of the barracks.

Hogan gives Schultz an earful regarding the frisk search before entering Klink's office, and being greeted by a surly German guard who has a loaded gun pointed at him. Klink explains that two Kommandants from other camps have recently been shot and General Burkhalter has  thus ordered all Kommandants to have bodyguards, as well as double camp security. Hogan soon uses this to his advantage as he claims the Kommandants were shot for failing to provide a substantial amount of white bread, and for also stealing the prisoners Red Cross packages, statements that cause the fearful Klink to immediately double bread rations and return the packages he has been holding. Klink dismisses his bodyguard and asks Hogan what the prisoners think of him. As Hogan is about to reply, Klink's cuckoo clock sounds, causing Hogan to remark that the cuckoo sums up the prisoner's feelings. As he leaves after being dismissed, Hogan stops dead at the door, examines the clock and offers Klink twenty five American dollars for it. Klink is intrigued, and Hogan explains that the clock is a rare "Hammelburg clock", a valuable antique. The greedy Klink, sensing opportunity, refuses to sell for anything except one hundred dollars and Hogan's Red Cross package which Hogan agrees to. As Hogan leaves, Schultz (who saw Hogan on his way out) enquires about it, and Klink reveals how much he managed to sell it for. Schultz is naturally astounded as they can be bought in Hammelburg for a mere ten marks (roughly 3 U.S Dollars) but Klink orders Schultz not to speak about it.

As Hogan returns with his clock, he finds Kristina having a candlelit dinner with Carter. The Heroes explain that they have drawn lots to decide who dines with Kristina for each meal, with Carter, Kinch, Newkirk and LeBeau having drawn appetiser, salad, entree and dessert respectively. Kristina is flattered by the attention she is receiving and has no problems with the plan. Attention is soon drawn to Hogan's clock and LeBeau, much like Schultz is astounded to learn that Hogan paid 100 dollars for it. Hogan, already knowing the clock's true (and very low) worth explains that 100 dollars is a good investment as it will put Klink in the cuckoo clock business.

The next day, as Klink is putting another clock on his wall, Hogan appears, having been sent for and almost immediately notices and inspects the clock, however on this occasion he denounces the clock as being a fake, given that "the eyes are too close together." Klink claims it was a test and has another clock brought in, which Hogan ascertains is "genuine." Klink however refuses to sell and boasts about how he is going into the cuckoo clock business, and can easily get his hands on fifty clocks, believing full well that the clocks can be sold for small fortunes. Hogan shoots down Klink's business plans to sell the clocks in Paris and offers Klink a deal: his Red Cross package and hundred dollars back in return for showing Klink how to run his business properly (the benefit of his mother supposedly being in the clock business for thirty years). Klink agrees, and Hogan informs him that the best way to increase demand for his clocks is to send one clock each to various cities, Paris, Le Havre, Cherbourg, Brussels and Amsterdam (all of which harbour the Underground contacts) and eventually orders will flood in. They are soon interrupted by Schultz who informs them that General Burkhalter's car has pulled up outside the office. Fearful that Burkhalter will try to muscle his way into his business, Klink has all the clocks hidden in the guest room closet. Hogan also asks for four clocks to be sent to his barracks for authentication, which Klink agrees to. They are soon met by Burkhalter who informs Klink that yet another Kommandant has been killed and that he is here to ensure the improvement of Stalag 13's security, noting that Klink is the one Kommandant who should have a bodyguard, a bulletproof vest and his office inside a tank. He also informs Klink that he will be staying overnight and sleeping in the guest room, to Klink's concern.

The Heroes meanwhile are busy loading the five clocks (the one Hogan bought, and the four he is "authenticating") with the plans and information for the Underground contacts, to be sent out shortly to antique dealers in the various cities, which the Underground will buy. Kristina informs the Heroes that she will have to leave soon, much to their dismay. The topic is brought up as to how they will spirit Kristina away with Burkhalter there to double Stalag 13's security, but Hogan comes up with an idea which involves winding cuckoo clocks.

Kinch contacts the Underground with instructions, but is met with confusion as the French agent cannot find "cuckoo clock" in her codes. Kinch tries to explain that they will be sending actual clocks, but is forced to have LeBeau interpret for him. LeBeau also takes the time to gain her name and phone number. They are soon met by an exhausted Newkirk and Carter who have finished winding up the clocks in the guest room, a feat which involved crawling to barracks three, avoiding the searchlights, going under the delousing station, running to Klink's quarters before the guards released the dogs, making a twenty foot drop from the window of Klink's quarters after they had wound up the clocks (which knocked out Newkirk temporarily), crawling past the machine gun emplacements, jumping over the electric warning wire and returning to the barracks after the guard shift changed. Hogan merely reminds them that such is a routine mission for them, which they reluctantly agree to.

Klink escorts Burkhalter to the guest room and offers to have a glass of hot milk made for him. Burkhalter declines, insisting that it is not the time to be a sound sleeper. Klink tries to wave away Burkhalter's concern, but the general insists that he is only concerned for Klink because if Klink is killed, he is next. As Schultz brings Burkhalter an extra blanket, the general notices ticking coming from the closet. Klink investigates, but realises that his cuckoo clocks are boxed inside, and pretends the ticking is coming from another place. Burkhalter figures that the prisoners planted a time bomb to kill him and the three begin searching. Hogan soon appears to speak to Klink, an act which puts the idea of a bomb out of Burkhalter's mind, given that Hogan would know if the prisoners planted a bomb and thus he would not be anywhere near it. Hogan however spins the tale to say that the Gestapo have planted a bomb to kill Burkhalter with, a story he is willing to believe. Burkhalter loudly shouts for the guards to bring a hose, and the Heroes manage to place Kristina in the trunk of Burkhalter's car. Burkhalter soon deduces that the ticking is coming from the closet, and despite Klink's feeble attempt to stop him, the general finds dozens of boxes, all ticking. The Heroes arrive with a fire hose and soak the boxes (and also Klink who tried to block them) on Burkhalter's orders. After the ticking stops, Burkhalter decides to sleep in Klink's quarters and leaves, leaving Klink to mourn the loss of his "antique" collection.

Some time later, Kinch informs Hogan that Kristina is safe and the Underground have collected four of the five cuckoo clocks, the fifth still being held by the Paris antique dealer, who believes it to be genuine, but the Underground have made plans to steal it. Hogan is summoned into Klink's office, and the Kommandant shows him a small statue of Brunhilde of Hammelburg, a local legendary figure. He claims he can find many such statues if they are genuine. Hogan offers to take the statue to the barracks for authentication, claming that while he is a cuckoo clock expert, LeBeau is the expert in stomach clocks, much to the Kommandant's confusion.

Story Notes

 * This is the one hundred and twenty-third episode of the series, but is the one hundred and thirtieth episode shown on television and the twelfth episode shown for the Fifth Season.
 * Underground agent Kristina Gerritt is Danish.
 * According to local legend, Brunhilde of Hammelburg "was the only girl in town to date Atilla the Hun."
 * Hogan claims his mother was in the antiques business for 30 years (of course, he's lying to Klink when he says it).

Timeline Notes and Speculations

 * This takes place in the spring of 1944, not long before the Normandy invasion. According to Hogan, Kristina has enough information "to make or break the Allied landing in France."
 * Burkhalter observes, "In the past week the commandants of two POW camps were shot: Colonel Berchter (?) of Stalag 9, and Colonel von Runkel (?) of Stalag 12." Later on, he adds that Colonel Hesselrow (?) of Stalag 23 "got it yesterday."

Quotes

 * (Newkirk and Carter enter the tunnel, out of breath.)
 * Newkirk: Cor, blimey!
 * Carter: Boy, it's a miracle!
 * Hogan: Everything go alright?
 * Newkirk: Yeah, we crawled to barracks 3 -- we got pinned down by the search lights!
 * Carter: We crawled under the barracks and through the delousing station and we got to Klink's quarters just before they released the dogs!
 * Newkirk: We were windin' the clocks and ol' Schultz came in!
 * Carter: So we jumped out through the back window --
 * Newkirk: -- it was only a 20 foot drop --
 * Carter: -- and when Newkirk came to we crawled past the machine gun enplacements and jumped over the electric warning wire.
 * Newkirk: We got back here while they were changing the guard.
 * Hogan: In other words, just a routine mission?
 * Newkirk (deflated): Yeah.
 * Carter (also deflated): Yes, that's right.