Cupid Comes to Stalag 13

Prisoners

 * Colonel Hogan - Bob Crane
 * Corporal Louis LeBeau - Robert Clary
 * Corporal Peter Newkirk - Richard Dawson
 * Sergeant James Kinchloe - Ivan Dixon
 * Sergeant Andrew Carter - Larry Hovis

Camp Personnel

 * Kommandant Wilhelm Klink - Werner Klemperer
 * Sergeant Hans Schultz - John Banner

Semi-Regulars

 * General Albert Burkhalter - Leon Askin
 * Gertrude (Burkhalter) Linkmeyer - Kathleen Freeman

Guest Stars

 * Captain Ferguson - George Tyne
 * Lottie - Inger Stratton

Synopsis
Hogan helps Klink fall in love with General Burkhalter's sister, to get his mind off not being promoted.

Plot Details
It is late, and the prisoners are trying to sleep. Schultz barges in, announcing that the lights will be turned off in 23 seconds. The angry prisoners heckle him until he leaves - but not before Newkirk steals his rifle. Schultz promptly dashes back in, demanding it back. The prisoners pass it from hand to hand until Schultz finally catches up with it at LeBeau's bunk. "I don't have a teddy bear," LeBeau says innocently. Schultz snatches his rifle away from the Frenchman, until LeBeau shushes while everybody's asleep. "Can I have a drink of water?" Carter asks innocently. "NO!" the frustrated Schultz screams, then stomps out, slamming the barracks door shut behind him. Immediately afterwards a fully dressed Hogan exits his office and heads for the bunk hiding the tunnel entrance, his men following quickly behind.

Down in the tunnels, an American Army captain is relaxing in a cushioned rocking chair, enjoying a pin-up magazine, eating an apple, and listening to a nearby grammophone. The Unsung Heroes dash in, and Hogan says it's time for him to leave. "The last four days have been the best I've ever spent in the Army," the captain complains, but gets out of his chair anyway. It turns out that Captain Ferguson is on a mission to pick up some maps of German military installations from the underground, after which they will spirit him away to England via the Channel. Just as they're getting ready to go, however, Kinch sounds a warning from the tunnel periscope. Klink is pacing back and forth along the perimeter fence, then turns and heads for their barracks! This news forces Hogan to scrub his plans at once. As he and his men rush back to the barracks exit, so Klink won't catch them away, Captain Ferguson settles back into his easy chair and resumes enjoying his pin-up magazine. "If you need anything, just ring for room service," Hogan quips as he and his men head topside.

Klink enters the darkened barracks. All the prisoners are where they should be, but with the covers pulled tight over them so he won't know they're still dressed. Hogan saunters lazily out of his office, faking a deep yawn. "I couldn't sleep, Hogan," Klink says. "I wanted to talk to you." Hogan tries to get him to put it off, but Klink won't leave, so Hogan shows him to his office. As it turns out, the camp commandant has good reason to be sleepless. He admits that he's been a failure all his life. He has been a colonel longer than any man in his graduating class. His superior, General Burkhalter, has called him about his future - which might involve the Russian front. No wonder he's sleepless!

The next day, Burkhalter pays a visit to Klink. He reveals that his concern about Klink's future is not about a military posting, but more of a personal nature. He notes that many German officers, including some of Klink's classmates, have advanced their careers by planned marriages to daughters and relatives of important German officials ... people like him, for instance. (While Klink is often mocked for being the only member of his academy class to not reach the rank of General, Burkhalter reveals that at least one unworthy classmate that both he and Klink agree was an "idiot" was promoted due to a similar opportune marriage). Klink is appalled but dares not say so in front of his superior. "Oh, by the way," Burkhalter says as he is leaving, "my sister and niece will be visiting with me. I'd like you to meet them." Klink expresses delight in doing so, but his face quickly loses all color as Burkhalter goes out of the office. "Delighted," he moans, closing the door as he does so.

Outside, Carter passes word to Hogan. The underground can't wait much longer for Ferguson. Hogan's problem is more immediate: get Klink calmed down enough so he'll stop pacing the camp, leaving them free to send Ferguson on his way. As Carter moves on, Klink comes out of his office and approaches Hogan with the bad news. "The Russian front?" Hogan asks. "Worse, much worse," Klink exclaims. "He wants me to marry his niece." Klink fears that she will look and act like her uncle, and so he spends another sleepless night pacing the camp ... and Captain Ferguson spends another luxurious night in the tunnels beneath the camp. "There's nothing we can do," Hogan says the next day, just as Burkhalter's staff car pulls up in front of Klink's office. The prisoners watch as Klink greets the general. He is not alone, for there are two women with him. The one in the front is a short, shrewish-looking woman wearing old fashioned clothes, to whom Klink reacts with instant but quickly hidden disgust. Seated in the back with Burkhalter, though, is a Nordic goddess dressed in a modern white dress and coat. Everyone's eyes are on the blond as Klink greets his guests and escorts them to the camp's guest quarters. To Hogan's shocked surprise, he learns that she is Lottie Linkmeyer, niece of General Burkhalter ....

A short time later, after the women have settled in their quarters, Burkhalter asks them what they think of Colonel Klink. "He looks like a dead fish," Lottie exclaims without hesitation. Burkhalter frowns. "I was not asking you, Lottie, I was asking your mother," he snaps. "Well, Gertrude?" Burkhalter's sister, the short and shrewish woman, is likewise unimpressed. "It seems I should be able to do better than a colonel," she says. By now the viewers have realized that it is Frau Linkmeyer, and not her beautiful niece, that is the intended bride of Colonel Klink. It only remains for Klink ... and Hogan ... to find out for themselves.

The rest of the episode is a classic piece of comic misunderstanding and misdirection, with Hogan trying to help Klink in wooing his future bride without knowing Burkhalter's true intent. Too late he learns the truth ... and too late for Klink, too, when Frau Linkmeyer shows up at a quiet and intimate little dinner he had originally planned (with Hogan's help) for himself and Lotte. Thanks to Hogan's tutoring of Klink in some of the skills of womanizing, Frau Linkmeyer has fallen for the aging colonel, and now Hogan has to use every trick and skill at his command to save Klink from what would surely be a hellish marriage. In the end, Hogan gambles on the direct approach and succeeds - he tells Frau Linkmeyer that Klink has volunteered for the Russian front. Upon hearing the news, Frau Linkmeyer exclaims, "Why does everybody I know volunteer for the Russian front?!? What is the attraction there?!!" She then quickly gathers her things and storms out of the building, loudly proclaiming that she will not be a widow twice over. An elated Klink turns to Hogan. "You have just done me a great favor," he beams, "and I would like to do somthing for you." Hogan smiles, then says quietly, "All I ask is that you get a good night's sleep." That night, Klink has his first sound night's sleep in days, and Captain Ferguson finally sent on his way.

Story Notes

 * This is the twenty-ninth produced episode of the series, but is the thirtieth episode to be shown on television.
 * This episode is the first appearance in the series of Gertrude Linkmeyer, General Burkhalter's constantly married/widowed sister.
 * This episode also marks the only appearance of Gertrude's daughter Lottie, who is never referred to again in the series.

Background Trivia

 * A big fuss is made at the start of the episode about the need for the lights to be turned out in the barracks. This was (and still is) a major cause for concern during wartime, since any showing of a light could attract the attention of an enemy - in this case, Allied bombers flying high overhead (see the start of German Bridge is Falling Down for a demonstration of this). In fact, the phrase "Turn out those lights!" was used so much during the war that it became a standing joke, and appears in many wartime movies and shorts (such as Warner's WWII-era Looney Tunes and Merrie Melodies cartoons).
 * The magazine that Ferguson is reading has "T.J. Triton" visible on the back cover. T.J. Triton was a character in the movie Accent on Love (1941), which was John Banner's film debut.
 * Kinch quotes an oft-used period expression, "He's gotta be living the life of Riley." This refers to The Life of Riley, a popular 1940s radio sitcom (and subsequent 1950s TV series), which centered on a well-meaning father named Chester A. Riley and all the craziness with which he had to deal in his home life. The phrase is commonly interpreted as living a life of ease that is undeserved given one's social station - or possibly from the efforts and at the expense of others.
 * Kathleen Freeman (Frau Linkmeyer) was at one time one of the busiest character actresses in Hollywood. She is perhaps best known as Mother Mary Stigmata, aka "the Penguin" from the movie The Blues Brothers.

Timeline Notes and Speculations

 * This is the third episode of the series in chronological order. Per the series timeline, it follows Up In Klink's Room. It is followed by Information Please.
 * This episode appears to take place in mid-September of 1942.
 * Frau Linkmeyer suggests to Klink that the two of them have a spring wedding - which naturally implies that it isn't spring yet. Due to the mention of the season, some fans prefer to date this episode to early January 1943.
 * Otto Linkmeyer, the presumably deceased husband of Frau Linkmeyer, went missing in action (MIA) during Operation Barbarossa (1941). The date is not mentioned this episode; however, the subject comes up again in Casanova Klink, where the date for Barbarossa is given for the year in which Otto Linkmeyer went MIA.

Quotes
Klink and Hogan discuss the reason why Klink can't sleep.


 * Klink: This is a painful matter to discuss, but it's no secret. I know.
 * Hogan (startled): You do? (looks unsure) What do you know?
 * Klink: That I'm a failure.
 * Hogan (looking relieved): Is that all?
 * Klink: Is that all?! Do you think its easy for a man to face the fact that he's been a failure all his life?
 * Hogan: No, but you've had a long time to get used to it.

(Klink reacts, then glares at him)


 * Hogan: Why are you telling me about this?
 * Klink: Because even though you're a prisoner, you're the only man of equal rank here at this camp.
 * Hogan: Thank you.
 * Klink: And also, if you repeat this conversation, as a prisoner I can have you shot.
 * Hogan (after a beat): Under those circumstances, you can depend on me, sir.

Later, in the same conversation, after Klink has revealed he thinks he might be going to the Russian front ...


 * Klink: I'd rather be a live failure than a dead hero.
 * Hogan: Then you got your wish. You're a live failure. (Noting Klink's shocked stare) Sorry ....

Later the next day, after Klink has visited with Burkhalter ...


 * Klink: General Burkhalter just left here.
 * Hogan: Oh. The Russian front?
 * Klink: Worse. Much worse. He wants me to marry his niece.
 * Hogan: And that's bad?
 * Klink: Did you hear what I said?! Burkhalter's niece!
 * Hogan: Did you ever stop to think she might be a beauty?
 * Klink Hah! More likely she'll look like Burkhalter.
 * Hogan (disgusted): Ohhhhh ....
 * Klink: And if she isn't something awful, why would Burkhalter practically blackmail me into marrying her? She's got to be a monster!
 * Hogan: I was afraid of that.