Killer Klink

Prisoners

 * Colonel Hogan - Bob Crane
 * Corporal Louis LeBeau - Robert Clary
 * Corporal Peter Newkirk - Richard Dawson
 * Sergeant James Kinchloe - Ivan Dixon
 * Sergeant Andrew Carter - Larry Hovis

Camp Personnel

 * Kommandant Wilhelm Klink - Werner Klemperer
 * Sergeant Hans Schultz - John Banner

Semi-Regulars
None

Guest Stars

 * Oscar Schnitzer - Walter Janowitz
 * Doctor Pohlmann - Parley Baer
 * Gretchen Schultz - Barbara Morrison

Synopsis
Hogan uses an incredibly original ruse to get Schultz a week's furlough in Heidelberg. While there, Schultz is to deliver needed radio parts to the Underground.

Plot Details
It is late at night in Barracks 2. Inside Hogan's private quarters, he and two of the Unsung Heroes - Newkirk and Carter - have joined with Schultz in a "friendly" little game of poker. The game eventually advances to a point where Schultz doesn't have enough money to call. He tries to offer his wedding ring as good faith, but Newkirk denounces the diamond set in it as a fake. As Schultz angrily reclaims his ring, Kinch interrupts and asks to speak to Hogan. The two men step outside into the barracks proper, closing the door behind them. Kinch has bad news for Hogan. Their contact in Heidelburg needs new parts for her secret radio, and soon, else she's going to be out of business in short order. The parts aren't the problem - it's getting them to her. Hogan gets an idea and rejoins the game, Kinch quietly following behind. He asks Schultz how far it is to Heidelberg. "106 and 7/10ths kilometers," Schultz quickly responds, still nursing his cards. He also reveals that Heidelberg is his home town, and that he is returning there tommorow on leave to visit with his wife and family. Hogan looks at the others, then throws his cards down in seeming exasperation, claiming that Schultz has won. "I win?!" says Schultz, looking disbelievingly at Hogan's hand. The American colonel has just passed on playing a full house - queens over jacks - which would have easily trumped the cards Schultz had.

As Schultz is greedily counting the money he has just won in the poker game, Hogan asks if he can deliver a package for him to a girl in Heidelburg. When Schultz protests that he possibly can't do such a thing for a prisoner, Hogan makes up a sob story on the spot about being shot down over Heidelburg, and the girl who is supposed to be receiving the package being the one who found him. "A plant" Kinch whispers from the doorway, which Hogan quickly incorporates into his tale. Schultz is so moved by Hogan's story that he agrees, and the next day trundles toward the front gate - laundry bag in one hand, flowerpot in the other. Waiting for him is his wife Gretchen, a portly-middle aged woman dressed in conservative yet expensive clothes. They greet each other delightedly, and as Schultz asks about his family, Gretchen takes the flowers - thinking they're for her. Schultz makes the mistake of saying aloud that they're not, but before he can explain she grabs the card and reads it. Infurated by the apparent evidence that he has a little "poopschein" on the side, she throws his laundry bag at him and almost wrecks the flowerpot. Hogan manages to save it in the nick of time, but is unable to stop the all-out marital row that breaks out in front of him and everyone else at the front gate. Finally, as if to put a final end to the affair, Schultz pulls out his leave papers and tears them up in front of his wife's eyes. She stomps out of the front gate and he back to the barracks - with Hogan and LeBeau chasing after him, begging him to reconsider his actions. Finally, they get him to change his mind - but all for naught. Without his leave papers, which he tore up in his anger, he is going nowhere.

Hogan tries to help Schultz explain the situation about the quarrel to Klink. The only thing the arrogant Prussian colonel notices is that an official document with his signature - "My signature!" was destroyed by Schultz. Instead of issuing new furlough papers, he orders Schultz to report back to his office pronto dressed in full field kit and with a full field pack (editor's note - about 60+ pounds of gear, give or take a few pounds). Schultz is to march "tours" non-stop (i.e. march on the same spot of ground over and over) until Klink's anger is assuaged. "You are a poor excuse for a soldier, Sergeant Schultz," Klink says, as he finishes giving his orders. "There will be NO leave papers," Klink adds. "They are officially cancelled." He then glares at Schultz. "You are going to be a tired old man before you ever set foot outside this camp again.

Later, back at Barracks 2, Hogan and the Unsung Heroes watch as Schultz "marches tours" in front of a stern-looking Klink. "I don't care how long it takes," he barks at Schultz, "I'll make a soldier out of you yet!" Schultz is bearing up remarkably well, given the rifle he is shouldering in addition to the full field pack with accessories he is also wearing. "We'll never get those parts to Heidelberg now" Kinch groans, watching the despondent Schultz marching back and forth, back and forth, back and forth .... Newkirk is amazed. "Five days with that field pack and he's still 'oldin' out!" Hogan nods. "Too bad. If he broke down, he'd be in line for a sick leave." He suddenly snaps his fingers, realizing what he's just said. Kinch ruefully points out, as it is his job to do (as Hogan's second), that despite appearances Schultz could pass "any physical in the world." Hogan then casts his eyes over to the dog kennel, where Schnitzer's 80-year-old father is helping him with the dogs. "Suppose we got somebody to take his place ...." he muses thoughtfully.

As Kinch runs off to tell Schnitzer and his father what's going on, and as Newkirk rushes back to barracks to rustle up an appropriate uniform, Hogan heads straight for the kommandantur to beg an audience with Klink. He first praises Klink for being so strict with Schultz, then intimates that Schultz is about to file a complaint with the Inspector General. He assures Klink not to worry - the worst that could happen is "transfer to a fighting post." Klink, immediately assuming the Russian front, slowly sinks back into his chair. "F-f-f-fighting position?" he whimpers. Hogan slyly suggests that if he were to order an immediate physical for Schultz, then the sergeant would have no grounds to complain to the Inspector General. He could then come back on the other side and lay into Schultz twice as hard as before. Klink thinks about it for a moment, then gives an evil grin. "That's right ...!" he says - showing that once again Hogan has completely hoodwinked him. Within minutes Klink is on the phone, and Schultz's physical is scheduled at the nearest military hospital. Hogan rushes back outside to find his men waiting for him by Schnitzer's truck. The old dog handler grins as he looks over his elderly father, who is now smartly dressed in the uniform of a Luftwaffe staff sergeant. Hogan tells Schnitzer to take him to the nearby 13th Army field hospital so "Schultz" can report for his physical. In the meantime, he and his men quickly divert Schultz to Barracks 2 with the promise of the first good, long, uninterrupted nap he's had in quite a while. Schultz is understandably upset about skipping his physical, but is so tired from marching tours all day that he soon accepts the offer.

Later that afternoon, Klink receives a visitor from the 13th Army hospital. Major Pohlman is one of its doctors, and he is very disturbed by what his staff discovered when giving "Sergeant Schultz" his physical. "I wanted to discuss this with you personally; it's such a tragic case." As a startled, then subsequently shocked Klink listens, Dr. Polhman describes Schultz as a man prematurely aged before his time (see Background Trivia) - a man whose death is almost certainly imminent. As Dr. Pohlman describes how this could have happened - tension, lack of rest, hard work, etc. - Klink slinks down farther and farther into his chair. "But all I did was have him double-time with a full field pack," he asserts. Dr. Pohlman is astounded. "In HIS condition?" he accuses. "It must have been excruciating agony for him." Klink quickly realizes that this could become a major problem for his career if word ever got out. He assures Dr. Pohlman that he will immediately order Schultz to be relieved of duty, give him a furlough, and have him take lots of time off. The doctor is mollified, but warns Klink to treat Schultz with care, pointing out that in his "condition" the sergeant could drop dead at any moment. "The best thing is for him to have a long, long furlough," he says, as he picks up his briefcase and prepares to leave. "Permit him to start enjoying whatever time he has left." After the doctor leaves, Klink looks at himself with disgust in a nearby mirror. "You're a killer, that's what you are," he says in self-loathing. "A killer."

Outside, Hogan is assuring Schultz that his furlough came through. "This is wonderful news!" Schultz exclaims, stopping in mid-tour. "I can make up with Gretchen again!" He talks at length about what he plans to do, then nudges Hogan confidentally. "How about that ... ummm ... 'flowerpot'?" Hogan acts surprised at first, then says, "If it isn't too much trouble." Schultz winks at him. "I insist," he says with a grin. At that moment, Hogan is called inside the kommandantur, and a happy Schultz resumes marching his tour.

Hogan finds a miserable Klink inside, his face buried in both hands. "You got to help me," he pleads. "The doctor was here. Schultz is ill, very ill.  It's just a matter of time before--" and he snaps his fingers. Hogan pretends to comfort him while gently needling him about Schultz needing a furlough. Within minutes, Klink calls in the now-happy Schultz and grants him one. Schultz already knows what is about to happen and almost blows the thing before it can happen, but in the end he has new leave papers and beats a hasty exit from the kommandantur -- but not before beaming at Klink and exclaiming, "I'll remember this for the rest of my life!" Klink can barely contain his dismay. After Schultz leaves, he confides to Hogan, "I can't believe he won't be coming back." Hogan shakes his head. "Neither can I," he mutters. It's one of the few truthful statements he's uttered in Klink's presence the whole time.

The last day of Schultz's furlough finds Hogan again comforting an anxious Klink in his office. No word has been heard from the sergeant since he left. "I'd give anything to see that smiling face again," Klink says, promising never to be mean to him again -- and shortly thereafter, Schultz practically dances into the room. "Herr kommandant, Sergeant Schultz reporting for duty!" he cheerfully exclaims. Klink looks at him in utter amazement. "Schultz!" he exclaims - but unlike previous occasions, this is a happy call laced with genuine warmth. Klink approaches Schultz, arms held open and a wild-eyed happy look on his face. Schultz quickly backs away, unsure of what Klink is trying to do. "You look wonderful!" Klink finally says. Schultz attributes it to his wife's cooking, and admits that he may have eaten too much of it. "I'll send you right down to the hospital to look after it," Klink says, reaching for the phone -- and at this point, Schultz blows the whole affair. "Good!" he says. "I might as well take the physical examination you wanted me to have!" Hogan quickly darts for the door and drags Schultz after him into the outer office. "Just a moment!" a now angered Klink yells after them. The contrite-looking pair return to the presence of the now fuming camp commandant. Schultz tries to explain what happened but Klink refuses to believe him. "I can do it right now!" Schultz finally says in desparation, but Klink will have none of it. He walks up to Schultz, his face a grinning mask of premeditated Prussian discipline. "You're healthy," he says with an evil smile. "You're going to live to be a hundred years old ... and you're not going to enjoy one moment of it -- not one moment! I want you to report back to me in five minutes with a rifle and a full field pack!" There is nothing Schultz can do but acknowledge the order and leave to go get his gear. After he leaves, Hogan pours Klink a drink from the commandant's own decanter. Klink is too busy being angry to notice. "How DARE he deceive me like that!" he exclaims. "Imagine! He thought he would put something over on ME!" Hogan pours himself a drink as well. "When will they learn?" he says, before the two officers toast each other.

Story Notes

 * This is the fifty-third episode produced in the series, but is the fifty-sixth episode to be shown on television and is the twenty-fourth episode for the second season.
 * This is the first and only appearance of Sergeant Schultz's wife, Gretchen Schultz - who is played by Barbara Morrison.
 * This is the first time we see Schultz take an extended furlough. The reason is to spend some time with his family in Heidelberg. Prior to this, what leave we saw him take had consisted mostly of passes into town, so he could drink beer and flirt with the waitresses at the Hofbrau.
 * Liezl's address, the place to where Schultz is to deliver Hogan's package, is 55 Badenstrasse (55 Baden Street).
 * Schnitzer's elderly father puts in his only appearance in the series in this episode. The actor who plays him is not credited because his character never speaks.
 * The (fictitious) Office of Inspector General was first mentioned in the episode of the same name.
 * The nearest regular military field hospital to Stalag 13 (kriegslazarett ) was that of the 13th Army, in Hammelburg (The Swing Shift).

Background Trivia

 * LeBeau plays "Liebesträume n.3" on his harmonica while Hogan is making up his story about the girl in Heidelburg. It is the same piece of music that Klink is playing on his violin in "Kommandant Gertrude".
 * One historical couple and two literary ones are referenced - Adolf Hitler and Eva Braun, Romeo and Juliet, and Tristan and Isolde.
 * Gretchen Schultz accuses her husband of being an "overweight Casanova." This is a reference to European history's most famous womanizer - the 16th century A.D. Italian author Giacomo Girolamo Casanova de Seingalt.
 * "Marching tours" is a long-standing form of military discipline practiced in many of the world's military forces. It consists of marching at arms nonstop in a fixed and repetitive path until being ordered to stop or physical collapse ensues.
 * Dr. Pohlman appears to have diagnosed "Schultz" as having Werner syndrome, a rare progeria-like disorder that affects mostly adults. It was first detected in 1904 by German researcher Otto Werner. A 40-year-old adult suffering from Werner syndrome would appear to be in their 60s or 70s. The condition is incurable, and death almost always comes about in late middle age as a result of advanced cancer or heart attack.

Timeline Notes and Speculations

 * This is the thirty-fourth episode of the series in chronological order, per the fandom series timeline. It follows Hogan Gives a Birthday Party, and is in turn followed by How to Win Friends and Influence Nazis.
 * The clues for dating this episode are limited: the age of Schnitzer's father, the age of Sergeant Schultz, and the freshness of Hogan's flower bouquet. A spring or summer 1943 date seems most likely.
 * Schnitzer's father is 80 years old. If the 1943 date for this episode is correct, then he was born in 1863.
 * Klink asserts that Schultz is "only in his 40s." Most fans take this to be his late 40s, given Schultz's physical appearance and the fact that he fought in World War I as a young man (The Rise and Fall of Sergeant Schultz). This would place the year of Schultz's birth somewhere in the mid-1890s. One of the ironies of the series is that Klink and Schultz are about the same age.

Quotes
Schultz offers his wedding ring as credit to stay in Hogan's private poker game


 * Schultz - Wait a minute! I'm not out. (takes off his ring, hands it to Newkirk) Solid gold.
 * LeBeau - Oh, really?

(Newkirk breaks out his jeweler's loupe and examines the ring)


 * Newkirk - Hold on, let's see what it says ... 18 karat gold!
 * LeBeau - That's gold, all right.
 * Schultz - How about the diamond?
 * Newkirk - "Caution! In case of fire, break glass."

(Newkirk hands the ring back to Schultz, who snatches it from him. The three Allied POWs are grinning.)


 * Schultz (angrily) - What do you mean? Where does it say that? (examines his ring closely, growls, then puts it back on.)

---

LeBeau includes a card for the recipient of the flowers (concealing radio parts) that Schultz is to take with him to Heidelberg. Hogan decides to take a look.


 * Hogan (reading aloud) - "To my own little poopschen, in remembrance of that starry night." (looks at LeBeau) "Tiger?!"
 * LeBeau - It's the poet in me. I can't help it, Colonel. I've got you on a pedestal!

---

LeBeau and Hogan escort Schultz to the front gate, laundry bag in hand. LeBeau is carrying a flowerpot full of bright red flowers.


 * Schultz (seeing the flowers) - Oh, that's for Liezl?
 * Hogan - Yeah, yeah, and let's show a little discretion, okay? Let's just keep this to ourselves?
 * Schultz (smiling) - You can trust me! I am a man ... of the world.
 * LeBeau (knowing nudge) - You rascal!
 * Schultz (grinning) - You French are not the only ones who know about those things!

(LeBeau responds with his Maurice Chevalier laugh, handing him the flowerpot as he does so.)

---

Greta is confused that the flowers Schultz is carrying are not for her. She grabs the card from them, opens it, and reads it allow. After that, she glares angrily at her husband.


 * Schultz (somewhat irritated) - I told you, I will explain later, Gretchen. There's nothing to be upset about.
 * Gretchen - For your girlfriends you have flowers! For me, your old socks and underwear!
 * Schultz (getting angry) - Listen, Gretchen!
 * Gretchen - She gets these flowers?! Let HER do your laundry!!

(Watching from a nearby barracks, Hogan and LeBeau note with alarm the fight that is beginning.)


 * Hogan (to LeBeau) - Looks like trouble. Let's go.

(They quickly trot up to the front gate as the row continues.)


 * Schultz - Don't do this again--
 * Hogan (interrupting, talking fast) - Hi, Schultz! [Is] this your lovely wife?
 * Schultz - Not necessarily.
 * Gretchen - From him I get complements! From you ... insults!! (holds out the flowerpot) You want me to carry it? (lifts it over her head, as if to smash it) I'll show you--


 * Hogan - No, no, no, no, NO!!

(Crouching, LeBeau catches it before it hits the ground)


 * Hogan (continuing) - Now, now, now, come on! You kids don't know what you're doing!

(Schultz forces LeBeau to give him back the flowerpot.)


 * Schultz (quiet voice) - You wanted to break the pot?
 * Gretchen - Yes! And I wish I had!
 * Hogan - Look, don't argue. Be nice.
 * Schultz (louder) - I want you to try it.

(Schultz thrusts the flowerpot back into Gretchen's hands.)


 * Hogan - Oh, now-now-now-now look! It's probably just a misunderstanding--
 * Schultz (interrupting) - PLEASE! Colonel Hogan, stay out of this. This is just a friendly family quarrel.
 * Hogan (almost pleading) - It's probably just a simple misunderstanding that can be cleared up with one word.
 * Schultz - Uh-huh. Divorce.

(Hogan blanches, then closes his eyes. Gretchen looks mad enough to strangle her husband.)


 * Gretchen - You overweight Casanova!
 * Schultz (quiet tone) - What did you call me?
 * Gretchen - Tubby!
 * Schultz (laughing loudly) - Hah, hah, hah! Listen to that barrage balloon calling me "tubby!"
 * Hogan - He didn't mean that, Mrs. Schultz, he really didn't!
 * LeBeau (trying to help) - He's wild about you! You're all he's been talking about the whole week!
 * Schultz (evenly) - During bayonet practice.

(LeBeau's jaw drops in shock. Gretchen gives her husband a look as if to say, "Okay, wise ass ...")


 * Gretchen - I wouldn't have you know if you came crawling to me on your hands and knees!

(Schultz takes out his leave papers and holds them up. Hogan and LeBeau watch him with alarm.)


 * Schultz - My leave papers.

(To their horror, he tears them up and throws them to the ground.)


 * Schultz - THAT's what I think of going back with you!
 * Gretchen - HAH!

(She shoves the flowerpot into his stomach, whirls about, then stomps towards the front gate. Hogan looks down at the ground at the torn leave papers. LeBeau looks sadly at Schultz, who frowns at him, then thrusts the flowerpot back at him. He picks up his laundry bag and harumphs loudly.)


 * Schultz - THAT will teach her a lesson!

(Schultz stomps away, laundry bag in hand ....)

---

Hogan and his men intercept Schultz, who is on his way to report to his physical.


 * Hogan - Hey, Schultz! Where'ya goin'?
 * Schultz - To the hospital
 * Hogan - Didn't you hear? It's closed.
 * Schultz (incredulous) - Closed?
 * Hogan - Yeah, it's National Health Week. Everybody should be healthy.
 * Schultz - Awww, that's crazy!
 * Hogan - Yeah, I agree, Schultz, but it's Hitler's orders--
 * Schultz (stops in his tracks, cuts him off) - Enough! (shushes Hogan) - I know nothing, I hear nooo-thing!!

---

Klink confides in Hogan about his despair over Schultz's "condition."


 * Klink (head in hands) - It's all my fault--all my fault.
 * Hogan - Aww, you're not to blame, commandant. How were you to know?
 * Klink (looks up) - He tried to tell me--I wouldn't listen.

(Klink slaps the table with both hands, stands up, begins to pace around.)


 * Klink - Hogan? Why did I do it? There is something sadistic in me; something twisted inside.
 * Hogan - No, your insides are fine. When does Schultz go home?

---

Klink has decided, much to Hogan's relief, to give Schultz a new set of leave papers.


 * Klink - Fraulein Hilda, send for Sergeant Schultz, I want to see him immediately!

(Hogan's face goes ashen at once. He recomposes himself just in time, as Klink returns from the door.)


 * Hogan - You're sending for Schultz? You can't do that! Ahh-umm, how could you face him?
 * Klink (guiltily) - Frankly, I'd rather not. You see, Schultz does not know about his illness or how serious it is, and it is my duty to tell him! (confidentially) Oh, Hogan, you must help me! He likes you better than me. Am I glad you're here!
 * Hogan (chagrined) - So am I.
 * Klink (sitting down) - Poor Schultz! I only hope he has enough strength to get here! How do I apologize to him for this--

(At that moment a breathless Schultz comes running into Klink's office, still wearing his full field gear and carrying his rifle.)


 * Klink - Schultz!
 * Schultz (breathless) - Kommandant? You sent for me?
 * Klink (mistaking Schultz's condition as weakness) - I did, I did--oh, Schultz, PLEASE! Sit down, sit down! Sit, Schultz.

(Klink pulls up a chair and motions for Schultz to sit in it. The atonished sergeant slowly complies.)


 * Klink (false bravado) - There! Now, Schultz, sometimes a man does things that -- well ... he needs to--
 * Hogan (interrupting) - What the commandant is trying to say is that he's sorry. He's very sorry for treating you this way.
 * Klink (vigorously nodding, contritely) - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
 * Schultz - Oh, please herr kommandant! (laughs weakly) Don't feel bad about it! I really don't mind. (big grin) Marching keeps my mind off things. Besides, I won't be here very long.

(Klink starts, snaps his head around to look at Hogan.)


 * Schultz (continuing) - You see, I'm going to leave here very soon.
 * Klink (hoarsely) - Then you know!
 * Schultz (still smiling) - I just found out.
 * Hogan (quietly) - He's smiling.

(Klink walks over to Schultz, places a brotherly hand on his shoulder. Schultz is unsure of the gesture, and watches him warily.)


 * Klink - I only hope that ... someday ... when it's my turn ... I will be strong enough to make this same journey with the same look on MY face ... that is on yours now.
 * Schultz - Really ...? (face lights up) Oh! You know about my trip down there!!

(Klink reacts in horror.)


 * Klink (hurriedly) - It doesn't have to be down there! It could be up there!
 * Schultz (confused, small voice) - Up ... to Hammelburg? Okay, 'up' ....

(Klink pats him on the shoulder again. Schultz still looks confused.)


 * Klink (reassuringly) - Yes, Schultz, I know about your journey ... the journey I've hastened by so many, many years.
 * Schultz (excited) - I'm looking forward to it!
 * Klink (amazed) - Forward--?! You sound as if you were glad to go!
 * Schultz (quickly) - Of course, kommandant! It will be a nice change. Things were not too pleasant here lately (looks at Hogan).
 * Klink (again contrite) - I know, I know, I know. I shall miss you, Schultz.
 * Schultz - Oh, I'll miss you too, herr kommandant. I wish you would come with me!

(Klink groans, reacting with genuine fright)


 * Hogan (quickly) - He didn't meant that, commandant.
 * Klink - Oh, that's all right. I deserved that. He has every right to be bitter. Schultz! You're so young ... to be so old. Perhaps it's best you should know. (leans in confidentally) Were they able to tell you when?
 * Schultz (matter-of-fact) - Tonight.
 * Klink - Tonight?
 * Schultz - Tomorrow, at the latest.
 * Hogan (false sympathy) - So brave ....
 * Klink - I had hoped you wouldn't leave us so soon!
 * Schultz - All right, I won't go. I'll stay.
 * Klink (confused) - You mean if I ask you to stay, you won't go?
 * Schultz - Of course, herr kommandant!
 * Hogan - And they say dogs are loyal ....

Bloopers

 * Hogan claims to have been shot down over Heidelberg, when in fact he was shot down over Hamburg (Hogan Gives a Birthday Party). The whole sob story about Liezl is a lie, of course, but Schultz might have seen through it had he caught Hogan's mistake.
 * Hogan addresses Schultz's wife as "Mrs. Schultz." The correct German form of address would have been Frau Schultz. This was a concession for the show's intended English-speaking audience, who might have confused the terms "frau" and "fraulein." "Frau" is the proper German form of address for any respectable woman. "Fraulein" was used at the time for young attractive women of an outgoing nature - although in the decades after the war it turned into something of an insult ,,,,
 * We learn from this episode that the 13th Army is supposedly located in or around Hammelburg at this time. This is a dialogue goof, as there was never any German army (two or more corps grouped together) named as such in the field. The writers probably meant the Wehrmacht XIII Corps; however, it was still refitting on the Russian Front, after being nearly wiped out in Operation Barbarossa, when this episode takes place. Same goes for the Wehrmacht 13th Division, in case anybody though this might be another possibility.
 * In Klink's office, while he is being granted his second set of leave papers, Schultz says he is leaving for Hammelburg when he should have said Heidelburg. (21:25)