To Russia Without Love

Prisoners

 * Colonel Hogan - Bob Crane
 * Corporal Louis LeBeau - Robert Clary
 * Corporal Peter Newkirk - Richard Dawson
 * Sergeant Andrew Carter - Larry Hovis
 * Sergeant Richard Baker - Kenneth Washington

Camp Personnel

 * Kommandant Wilhelm Klink - Werner Klemperer
 * Sergeant Hans Schultz - John Banner

Semi-Regulars

 * General Albert Burkhalter - Leon Askin

Guest Stars

 * Colonel Becker - H.M. Wynant
 * Olga Meissner - Ruta Lee

Synopsis
Hogan arranges for a beautiful underground agent to convince Klink that the Kommandant should volunteer for service at the Russian Front. Hogan's payoff: some secret papers. Unfortunatly the promise of papers is a bluff and Hogan needs to find a way to get Klink to stay.

Plot Details
A lone Kubelwagen passes through the main gate and parks in front of Klink's offices (kommandantur). The Unsung Heroes watch its arrival from the doorway of Barracks 2. "Who's that officer?" Carter asks. Hogan stares at the tall, dark-haired Luftwaffe colonel in winter uniform who gets out and walks up the stairs into the building. The officer is stern-looking and has a bit of a limp. "I never saw him before," Hogan says, watching him. Carter suggests they take bets on guessing who he is and the winner gets the pot. No one acts on his suggestion; instead, they begin making silly suggestions on the subject until Hogan cuts them off. He asks LeBeau to "turn on the coffeepot." They then all head back inside to Hogan's office to eavesdrop on the Hitler picture bug in Klink's inner office, where both Klink and General Burkhalter welcome the new arrival.

The German officer in question is Colonel Becker, a fellow commandant of a Russian POW camp on the Eastern Front. He is in Germany on official business. Burkhalter has apparently invited him to visit with Klink, whose record for no escapes is unmatched throughout the Third Reich. Becker, who has had to endure conditions in Russia for months, is not above making some not-so-subtle comments about the comfort in which Klink keeps himself. Burkhalter does not reprimand him; instead, he joins in Klink's discomfiture as the Stalag 13 commandant tries - and does not always succeed - to keep the conversation on subject. It is not long before Becker mentions something that immediately gets the attention of the Unsung Heroes. Becker is on his way to Berlin to deliver General Krause's plans for a new offensive. Just then they receive word that Schultz is on the way. Within seconds the coffeepot is disconnected and hid, even as the fat German sergeant shuffles through the door. "Colonel Klink wants to see you," he says to Hogan. Hogan bribes him with some candy bars in order to find out what Schultz knows, and Schultz fills him in on the way to the kommandantur.

Actually, bringing Hogan in is Burkhalter's idea. He wants all of the prisoners in Stalag 13 to know how well the Germans are doing in Russia. "It would be very good for morale," he says, smiling. "It destroys it." Even as Klink nods and laughs in reply, Hogan is shown in by Schultz. Burkhalter promptly invites Hogan to dinner that evening with him, Klink, and Becker. Hogan agrees. "Colonel Becker is going to tell us the truth about the German army's glorious campaign on the Russian front," Klink pronounces. Hogan is not impressed. Instead, he grins and looks at both him and Burkhalter. "Why kill all your appetites?" he asks, prompting Klink and Burkhalter to angrily glare in reply.

The dinner party is in full swing when next we join the action. As would be expected, LeBeau has been drafted to cook; however, Schultz is playing both busboy and waiter instead of Carter. This decision on Klink's part quickly proves to be a mistake, as Schultz serves everybody but his commanding officer - even Hogan and LeBeau! - from one of Klink's last bottle of an excellent vintage of wine. By the time Schultz gets around to Klink, there's only enough left to cover the bottom of his glass. Burkhalter excuses himself to personally select some more wine from Klink's amply stocked wine cellar. "I'll go keep the meat warm in the kitchen," LeBeau tells them - and promptly gets Schultz on his coattails as he heads through the door. Hogan and Becker are left alone at table. After some initial verbal sparring, Becker comes to the point. "I understand you have a rather good situation yourself," he says with a knowing smile. "From your Gestapo dossier I'd say you run the camp and Klink is your prisoner." Hogan blows it off, calling the Gestapo "too kind." Becker now leans over the table, speaking low. "You could be of great help to me," he says. "I would like to transfer from the Russian front to Stalag 13." Hogan shakes his head. "German personnel assignments are a little out of my line." Becker is not put off so easily. "I might make it worth your while," he continues. Hogan is left to ponder this as Burkhalter and the others return. Schultz is bearing another bottle of wine that the general picked out personally - Klink's last bottle of a rare and excellent vintage. This time, Schultz starts with Klink - and promptly drops the bottle while trying to uncork it. It shatters, spilling the wine all over Klink's floor.

Later that evening back in Barracks 2, Hogan and the Unsung Heroes discuss Becker's offer. "There's something peculiar about this colonel," Hogan says, pacing the floor. Baker, who is watching the door, looks back at him. "Because he wants to leave the Russian front?" he asks. Carter nods, adding, "He'd be a lot more peculiar if he wanted to stay there." What Hogan finds peculiar is that Becker wants command of Stalag 13. Not any of the other stalags in Germany or elsewhere in the Reich, but their stalag. Carter guesses that Becker was trying to "string a deal," offering them a chance at General Krause's papers in exchange for arranging his transfer. Hogan agrees with him but is still cautions, adding, "The whole thing doesn't smell right." He decides instead to sneak into Klink's quarters, where Becker is staying for the night, and look at the papers while Becker is asleep. That way, they don't have to play ball with Becker and still get the intel he offered them. Taking Newkirk with him, Hogan sneaks into Klink's quarters unseen. Unfortunately, Becker has been expecting this and catches them in the act of leaving, briefcase in hand. With his pistol drawn and aimed at them, and with a Schmiesser-toting guard posted not ten feet away, he says sadly, "From your reputation, I thought you'd be a little more clever than this." He then says he's still willing to cut a deal with them. The guard looks blankly forward, hearing and seeing nothing. Becker gives them 48 hours to arrange his transfer, or he will have the both of them shot. "You drive a hard bargain," Hogan replies evenly. "So would you, if you were stationed in Russia," is Becker's cold response. Hogan has no choice but to agree to the deal; however, Becker takes his briefcase back from them before he sends them away.

The next morning, Hogan calls a conference of his men. He has decided to "sell out Klink," as he puts it. The men don't feel sorry for their "beloved" kommandant, but wonder at the wisdom of Hogan's decision. "That information that Becker's carrying could change the war," Hogan says. He concedes that the smarter and more wily Becker will make the operations of the Unsung Heroes far more difficult. Speaking of difficulty, a formidable task looms before them - getting Klink "to survive the heart attack he's going to have on news he's being transferred to the Russian front," as Newkirk bluntly puts it. As always, though, Hogan has a plan. He intends to boost Klink's psyche up to such a fever that he will ignore his own more cowardly instincts and demand the transfer himself. "For that, we need Olga Meissner," Hogan muses. "The girl that works for the underground?" Baker notes. "Why Olga?" Carter asks. Hogan smiles at him. "Because she's a good agent, speaks Russian, and has great legs," he says in reply.

Shortly thereafter, Hogan shows up in Klink's office looking for Becker. Klink says he's in town with Burkhalter and promptly dismisses him. Hogan says that all he wanted to do was thank him for "a delightful evening" and telling him all those wonderful stories about the Russian front. This last bit incenses Klink, and he rises from his desk in anger. "German troops are eating their cartridge belts and marching in snow up to their waist!" he fumes. "They're fighting night and day in raging blizzards! You call those funny stories?!" Hogan's genial manner never cracks. "I laughed," he says. "You're not going to believe all that [other] stuff, are you? I happen to know that German officers are fraternizing with the beautiful Russian women. The vodka is flowing like the Volga, and there are parties every night. They're having a ball!" Klink snorts in obvious disgust and returns to his work. "German officers do not fraternize with Russian women," he states, as he resumes his paperwork. Hogan then makes the amazing claim that the reason soldiers and officers returning from Russia tell the stories that they do is because, as he puts it, "When you've got a good thing going you don't want to blow it." Klink's still not buying it. "Freezing in the winter isn't a good thing!" he declares. "That's propaganda!" Hogan responds breezily. He then leans in, speaking in a confidental manner. "The truth of the matter is that all the German officers are buying into the ski resorts around Stalingrad. It's Sun Valley with borscht!" Klink is still not buying it, calling Hogan's claims ridiculous, and asking if Hogan thinks he's a fool. "I wouldn't go to Minsk if you put a gun to my--" he begins to proclaim, but is interrupted in mid-sentence as the door to his office opens and reveals a beautiful brunette in Russian-style furs. "I am Olga Anchikov!" she states. "I am looking for Colonel Becker." Klink rushes to her side at once, exuding what little charm he has and (as always) making a fool of himself to please her. She claims to be Becker's woman and seems eager to see him again. She then spins for Klink's ears an incredible tale of Becker's romantic antics in Russia. Olga looks at Klink, and with a knowing look and a wicked grin on her face, says, "I am the farmer's daughter." Klink understands this immediately, and a wicked grin spreads across his face. Hogan, who has been watching this exchange, walks up to Olga. "Are there any more at home like you?" he asks. "Da!" Olga nods, then pulls a wallet from her purse. "I have beautiful twin sister. I show you her picture." Klink is impressed again, as Olga continues to spin her yarn - about beauty contests every Saturday night at the German officer's club, about communal hot tubs with hot buttered vodka at the local ski lodges, about easy promotions to general, about relaxing in the local hot springs - and she has more pictures that appear to back up her tale. Hogan looks on with a smile as Klink is sucked into the tale. "I must go now," Olga says, taking her pictures back and heading for the door. "I want to get back to town before the shops close. I need a new bathing suit." With that, she leaves - and Colonel Klink is left with a whole new perspective on the Russian front.

About an hour later, Klink calls a meeting with Burkhalter and requests a transfer to the Russian front. Burkhalter thinks he's gone mad and says so. "It's out of the question, Klink," he responds curtly. Klink's answer is an impassioned and emotional speech about living amid luxuries while the men on the front suffer. "You spend one winter in Russia, and you will freeze to death," Burkhalter snaps back. "The whole idea is ridiculous! We need [real] soldiers on the Russian front, fighting men!" he says, as he heads for the door and storms out. Klink's transfer has been denied - or so it seems, but the wily Hogan is not yet ready to give up. His next suggest to Klink will be a doozy ....

As Burkhalter and Becker are preparing to leave the camp, Klink comes to meet him - roaring up on his motorcycle, with his driver in full winter gear, standing up in his sidecar in a heroic pose and wearing a getup that perhaps is best described as a German parody of U.S. General George Patton's parade outfit. He is also wearing a standard field issue soldier's helmet in place of his peaked officer's cap. "What is that?" Becker says, astounded at the sight. Burkhalter too is amazed. "It looks like ...." To their side, Schultz exclaims, "I don't believe it!" Klink steps down from the sidecar and struts to meet them, the sunlight glistening from his ivory-handled twin Lugers and tapping his riding crop on his riding boots, into which his cavalry breeches are neatly tucked. A long white scarf tied as a cravat and neatly tucked into his coat shines in the sun beneath his neck. "Klink, I thought the officer's costume party isn't until Saturday," Burkhalter says, now smiling at the spectacle. Klink pats his chest. "This is the real me!" he exclaims. Hogan then appears, demanding to know what's happened to the prisoners' Red Cross packages. Klink promptly and sternly tells him off, saying among other things, "Go tell it to your chaplain! In this camp we go by the Klink Convention!" He then tells Hogan that he's ordered land mines planted outside the wire to further discourage escape attempts. When Becker comments that Klink's own guards also patrol outside the wire, Klink blows him off by saying, "If they can't be careful, it's none of my concern." He then adds, "In war you win some, you lose some." Burkhalter is impressed by Klink's new-found ruthlessness. "Perhaps I was too hasty," he says, referring to his refusal to transfer Klink. "You may be just what we need on the Russian front." When Schultz offers to get Klink's suitcase and help him pack, Klink barks, "Get one for yourself. I wouldn't dream of leaving without you, Schultz." The blood immediately drains from the horrified master sergeant's face. Burkhalter then turns to Becker. "I will arrange for you to be the new commandant of Stalag 13." Hogan's plan, as incredible and as much of a long shot as it was, has worked.

Shortly thereafter, Becker comes to Barracks 3 and asks to see Hogan. "The Gestapo doesn't give you enough credit," he confides. "It's quite an achievement to get a German officer to beg on his hands and knees to go to the Russian front." When Hogan asks about General Krause's papers - the other end of their bargain - Becker blithely responds, "What papers?" There never were any papers. Becker has been playing Hogan for the fool, so he could get away from the Russian front and save his own neck. He plans to use Hogan for everything he's worth ... and Stalag 13 will be quite a different camp, now that Colonel Becker is to be its new commander. "And as your new commandant, I assure you that I will find out exactly how your operation works," he says confidently. Hogan's response is to walk him back into the main bunk area, where the other Unsung Heroes quietly gather around them. "No problem," Hogan responds. "I'd be happy to show you how it works. Wouldn't we, fellas? The first thing -- this is our tunnel." As Hogan moves to open the emergency tunnel, the others quickly grab and pinon Becker, gagging him with his own scarf. "This is how we get people to England," Hogan says sternly, as the Unsung Heroes wrestle the struggling Becker down the tunnel. "I do hope you like fish and chips!" he adds, as Becker disappears from view. Carter, who has been watching the door during this, now moves over to Hogan. "What about Klink?" he asks. Hogan thinks quickly, "We created the monster, we destroy it," he answers, patting him on the shoulder. "C'mon, we got work to do at the motor pool."

Not long after, Schultz sits astride Klink's motorcycle in front of the kommandatur. He is in full field uniform with pack, and is staring dejectedly down at the gas tank. Behind him are two small briefcases. Burkhalter and Klink - the latter still in his "Patton" uniform, exit the office and step down to the motorcycle. Burkhalter is wondering what happened to Becker, as he seems to have completely disappeared, since he wanted to formally turn over command in person. Klink suggests he might still be in town. Klink suggests he send him a letter, then excuses himself. "I'm anxious to get started," he says, as he salutes and then heads for his motorcycle. Hogan and the Unsung Heroes approach, and request from Burkhalter that they be allowed to say goodbye to Schultz and Klink. Burkhalter grants the request. Schultz is understandably sad and upset, and thanks them. Klink's response is quite different. "I imagine there'll be dancing in the barracks tonight when ol' Blood-and-Guts is gone, eh?" he says. All Hogan says is that they will in fact miss him. He calls his men to attention, and they salute as Klink goes to his motorcycle. As before, he stands in the sidecar, then salutes them back. Klink says goodbye to Burkhalter, and the two shake hands. Schultz starts the motorcycle, and at Klink's order it drives toward the front gate ...

... and then things go horribly wrong.

Halfway to the gate, Klink's sidecar separates from his motorcycle. The two separate halves of the field motorcycle, bike and sidecar, head off in separate directions, both out of control. Klink has no way to steer the sidecar, as it balances precariously on one wheel while wobbling wildly in almost every direction. On the other hand, Schultz is not used to driving the motorcycle without the sidecar attached, and is unable to maintain balance or control. Thus, the two separate halves of the field motorcycle zig-zag madly across the camp grounds, and everybody - Burkhalter, Hogan, the prisoners, and the guards - dashes for whatever shelter they can find. Finally, after what seems like an eternity, Klink's sidecar crashes through one of the walls of Barracks 2 and slams into its stove, stopping it. The prisoners rush to his aid even as Hogan and Burkhalter race to the scene. Seconds later, whether by chance or control, Schultz also ends up wrecked inside Barracks 2. He is thrown from the bike and hits Klink, knocking both him and Burkhalter to the floor and landing on top of Klink - 300 pounds of fat German sergeant plus a full field kit - knocking the wind out of him. Burkhalter stumbles up even as the others help Schultz and the half-dazed Klink to their feet. "Klink!" Burkhalter roars. "You are not going anywhere!" When Klink begins to protest, Burkhalter angrily cuts him off. "If I send you two clowns to the Russian front, I would be shot for treason!!!"

Later that day, Klink calls Hogan to his office to pass the "bad" news. Burkhalter has ordered him to stay on as camp commandant. Hogan asks about "that nice Colonel Becker." "When we find him," Klink states, "he'll be sent back to the Russian front." Hogan then notes that he might have seen Becker outside the wire, not far from where he ordered the land mines put. Newkirk who has been listening to them via the Hitler picture bug, nods and motions to Carter, whose hand is resting on an explosives plunger. A tremendous blast rocks the camp from just outside the wire. Both Hogan and Klink race to the window to see the tall plume of smoke. "One of my mines went off!" Klink says. "That's just where I saw Becker standing," Hogan adds. "Poor Becker," Klink responds. "What am I going to tell General Burkhalter?" Hogan shrugs nonchalantly. "Just tell him that's the way it goes. You win some, you lose some."

Story Notes

 * This is the one hundred and sixty-third produced episode of the series, but is the one hundred and sixty-second to be shown on television, and is also the eighteenth episode shown for the Sixth Season.
 * The story's title is a spoof of Ian Fleming's 1957 Bond novel From Russia with Love and the 1963 film of the same name.
 * Burkhalter has met Becker before. This comes from the fact that Burkhalter is head of the Luft Stalag organization, and would therefore be Becker's superior just like he is Klink's.
 * Olga Meissner is the wife of fellow underground agent Albert Meissner, who appears (and mentions his wife) in the episode Hogan's Double Life. She may be the same character as the Olga that appears (and is played by Arlene Martel) in Never Play Cards With Strangers.
 * When Klink tells Hogan to "Tell it to your chaplain," he is paraphrasing an old U.S. Army expression, "Tell it to the chaplain." In other words: "Tell someone who cares." Klink is not really saying that there is a chaplain at Stalag 13.

Background Trivia

 * Klink's uniform for service on the Russian Front is a parody of that worn by actor George C. Scott in the opening scene of the movie Patton.
 * Olga Messnier, the underground agent in this episode, claims to be "the farmer's daughter." This is a reference to a well-known off-color joke.
 * Both Klink and Hogan quote a famous proverb at various times in this episode - "You win some, you lose some." This is a pharaphrase of a famous saying by the late famed American baseball player Satchel Paige - "You win a few, you lose a few." It has often been (wrongly) attributed to others over the years; most references on the Internet (incorrectly) give credit to J. Askenberg.

Timeline Notes and Speculations

 * This is the tenth episode in the series in chronological order. Per the series timeline, it happens after the events of Bombsight. The episode that follows is The Tower.
 * This takes place near the end of 1942, most likely at the end of October. Burkhalter mentions that the officers' costume party has not yet happened, which would seem to imply that Halloween is at hand (Halloween 1942 was indeed a Saturday, perhaps when the officers' party was scheduled for). Also, the Germans are planning a new offensive at Stalingrad.
 * October 1942 would have been the last opportunity for new offensive plans at Stalingrad. In November the Soviets launched their counterattacked that ended up surrounding the German 6th Army (and others). If the Russians had access to German military plans at Stalingrad, it would have contributed to their rapid and overwhelming success.
 * Klink mourns the fact that he has yet to make any meaningful contribution to Germany's war effort. From this statement, one can safely conclude that Klink has not seen combat of any kind during World War II - or at least up to this point in time. Any references to combat experience that Klink makes in other episodes are of actions that all took place prior to World War II.

Quotes

 * Carter - Who's that officer?
 * Hogan - I never saw him before.
 * Baker - What's he look like?
 * Newkirk - A Luftwaffe colonel.
 * Carter - Why don't we all write down who we think he is, put some money in a hat, and whoever guesses right wins the money?
 * LeBeau - I say he's here to arrest Klink for impersonating an officer.
 * Baker - I say he's Hitler's hairdresser.
 * Newkirk - No, he designs corsets for Herman Goring.
 * Carter - I think he's--
 * Hogan (interupting) - You're all wrong. (smiling) He's Klink's former copilot. You can tell from the limp.

---


 * Klink - General Burkhalter tells me you're commandant of a prison camp just like me.
 * Burkhalter (evenly) - Not like you. He knows what he's doing.
 * Klink (laughs nervously) - The general has a delightful sense of humor. (puts on his best Prussian manner) But I'm sure that even Colonel Becker knows my perfect record! Not one prisoner has escaped from this camp.
 * Burkhalter (grinning) - It is hard to dig a tunnel when you're holding your sides laughing.
 * Hogan (eavesdropping) - Burkhalter's hot today.

---

(Schultz refuses the single candy bar Hogan offers him for talking)


 * Newkirk - Sir, I think Schultz is one of those sterling gentlemen that can't be bought.
 * Schultz - That's not true. Every man has his price ...

(Hogan now holds two candy bars in front of Schultz, who takes them both)
 * Schultz - ... and THAT's my price.

---


 * Klink (disgusted) - You have gravy stains on your jacket.
 * Schultz - Sorry, Kommandant. It must be from the chateaubriant.
 * Burkhalter (surprised) - You were eating the officer's food?
 * Schultz (comes to attention) - Only in the line of duty, herr general. I always taste the food prepared by the enemy (referring to LeBeau's role as chef).
 * Hogan (aside) - If you have a military funeral, general, it WON'T be from the chateaubriant.
 * Schultz (smiling) - It won't be from the cherry jubilee, either.
 * Klink (glaring) - Just serve the wine, Schultz.

---


 * Newkirk (on Becker) - Yeah, you gotta get up early in the morning to fool him.
 * Baker (on Klink) - With Klink, you could sleep 'till midnight.

---


 * Klink - As a German officer, I feel that I have not made any contribution to the war effort.
 * Burkhalter - For a change, I agree with you.

---


 * Klink - General, if you will excuse me, I have to go to Hammelburg.
 * Burkhalter - Of course! You have a lot of shopping to do.
 * Klink (knowing grin) - I have to buy a bathing suit.
 * Burkhalter (astounded) - A bathing suit?! For STALINGRAD?!?!

Bloopers

 * While serving the wine at dinner, Schultz improperly refers to General Burkhalter as "Colonel Burkhalter", and Colonel Becker as "Major Becker".
 * In the sequence of scenes where Klink's sidecar has separated and is weaving wildly across the camp grounds, the sidecar sports three wheels instead of just one. There are two extra smaller wheels, one where the frame hitch would be and another in the front, to help keep it balanced. Also, if you pay attention during the long shots of the separated sidecar, you can see that actor Werner Klemperer's stunt double is in fact driving the sidecar with a small hidden handle. This handle appears to be attached to the small wheel in front, allowing it to be steered.