Happiness Is a Warm Sergeant

Prisoners

 * Colonel Hogan - Bob Crane
 * Corporal Louis LeBeau - Robert Clary
 * Corporal Peter Newkirk - Richard Dawson
 * Sergeant James Kinchloe - Ivan Dixon
 * Sergeant Andrew Carter - Larry Hovis

Camp Personnel

 * Kommandant Wilhelm Klink - Werner Klemperer
 * Sergeant Hans Schultz - John Banner

Semi-Regulars

 * Fräulein Helga - Cynthia Lynn
 * Corporal Karl Langenscheidt - Jon Cedar

Guest Stars

 * Capt. Jeb Winslow - Bruce Yarnell
 * Sgt. Krebs - Norman Alden
 * Max - Norbert Schiller

Synopsis
Klink replaces Schultz with a tough sergeant after Newkirk gets Schultz drunk.

Plot Details
The episode begins with LeBeau out in the woods near Stalag 13, searching for the pilot of a downed American fighter. He is soon seen flashing a signal into another part of the woods, using a flashlight. The signal is quickly answered by another flashing flashlight. After receiving the correct response, LeBeau head towards the area where the light has come from. Upon reaching it, he comes into contact with Capt. Jeb Winslow of the 419th Fighter Squadron, a tall man from Texas, who quickly confirms for him the underground's report that the Germans have earlier shot down his plane near Düsseldorf. Winslow then starts to relate how the Germans have shot him down, only to be interrupted by LeBeau, who quickly reminds the Captain that Hogan wants him inside the camp. Winslow agrees, and tells LeBeau to lead the way, which LeBeau does. Soon, the pair are standing inside the woods nearest the camp, watching the guards stand on watch. As they do, Winslow comments that he's amazed that he is actually going into a POW camp only to escape from it later. LeBeau, after commenting about it, and then making a comment in French, causing Winslow to do a double-take (possibly not realising the French are allies). The matter is soon cleared up and LeBeau quickly leads the Texan towards the entrance to the tunnel.

The pair next appear, with Winslow starting to exit from the rising bed entrance, as they are met by Hogan, who is surprised by Winslow's height. Hogan makes a quick comment about Winslow's height, then he makes a second one about the Texan's outfit, before he starts to lead him away from the bed. Before he can get too far, Winslow is stopped by Newkirk, who remarks that he is the first Texan that he has ever seen, outside of the cinema, soon adding that it comes as quite a shock to him. A smiling Winslow is then stopped by Carter who asks him how many German planes he has actually shot down. Winslow happily replies that he has shot down 9 confirmed with 3 or 4 probables. After hearing a comment from LeBeau, who is pouring some coffee for all of them, where he jokingly suggests that they should all go home and let Winslow finish the war for them, the Captain asks Hogan how long it would be before he could rejoin his unit. Hogan quickly informs Winslow that they should have him heading back to England within 48 hours, after they have first gotten in touch with the sub that is presently patrolling off the coast, which further impresses Winslow.

That idea is quickly dashed, though, when Kinchloe suddenly appears from inside the entrance, soon informing Hogan that the radio has just shorted out and that they would need to get some new parts for it, else the radio would be inoperative for a while. Hogan asks Kinch for a list of the materials that they would need to fix the radio, which Kinch does, having already written them down. As a surprised Winslow asks him how they are going to get the radio parts in the middle of Germany with a war going on, Hogan informs him that they would get them through their underground contact in town, Max, who presently works as a bartender at a local hotel. Hogan then asks the others for a volunteer to contact Max, by pretending that he needed to see the dentist in town. He is at first disappointed by the lack of volunteers for the mission until he finally sees Newkirk raise a hand. He then thanks Newkirk for volunteering, only to hear Newkirk inform him that he isn't actually volunteering. In fact, he had planned to suggest that Carter perform the job himself, which upsets Carter. Ignoring Newkirk's protests, Hogan asks LeBeau to help him, which LeBeau does by quickly standing on top of a stool, while holding onto a jar filled with cottonballs. After Hogan asks him for a cottonball, LeBeau hands him a large one. As Winslow watches, Hogan then stuffs it into Newkirk's mouth, to make it appear that the right side of his mouth is swollen. Hogan then orders Newkirk to fake a toothache. An unhappy Newkirk then mumbles his displeasure at his involvement in the mission to first Hogan, then LeBeau.

The next day, Klink is in his office with Helga as Schultz enters the room with Hogan and Newkirk. Helga then leaves the room, watched by Schultz, until Klink gets his attention. Klink then comments on Hogan's request to have Newkirk taken into town to have his tooth fix, soon commenting that his men seems to be having a lot of dental problems lately, which brings out a comment from Hogan about the bread that the prisoners are receiving having sawdust in it, as well as the possible reason why that is: To save money. This brings out a quick denial from Klink. After checking to see if the toothache is real, Klink then asks Hogan that if he does allow Newkirk to go see the dentist, how can he be sure that Newkirk would return to the camp. Hogan tells Klink that he has his word that Newkirk wouldn't escape and Newkirk mumbled his agreement. Klink, reluctantly accepts Hogan and Newkirk at their word, but, as he signs the pass, he tells Schultz that he would be the one to take Newkirk into town, that he is to take him directly to the dentist's office, and that he is to bring him straight back into camp. He then tells him that he is also to stay with Newkirk at all times, and that he is to personally watch him have his tooth removed. Schultz protests the latter idea, saying that he faints at the sight of blood. An angry Klink immediately asks Schultz how he has been able to get into the German Army, which causes Hogan to remark that he obviously lied about his weight. As Hogan and Newkirk laughs, Klink does not reply to Hogan's comment as it is a more than likely truthful statement.

After they have gotten into town, Newkirk convinces Schultz to go with him to the local bar for a drink. As a reluctant Schultz sits down at a table while reminding Newkirk about Klink's specific order to go directly to and from the dentist, Newkirk finally convinces him to have a drink of beer while he got himself some whisky, which he then orders for them. Newkirk then goes over to the bar to get their drinks. The Englander, upon reaching the bar, slips the bartender the parts list along with the money that would be needed to buy the parts, while telling him that they needed the parts fast, as he picks up the drinks. After receiving the ordered drinks from Max, Newkirk slips his whisky into the beer. With the drinks and a whisky bottle, he then heads over to the table where Schultz is seated. After sitting down and commenting about the drinks, Newkirk puts some whisky into his glass from the bottle. As he sees Max head out of the bar to gets the parts, Newkirk starts to drink with Schultz, just before he tells him that he thought that he has just seen an officer. As Schultz looks for the officer, Newkirk uses the distraction to slip even more whisky into Schultz's goblet. After Schultz turns back around, and Newkirk has finished apologizing to him for his mistaken assumption, the pair starts to drink again, or at least Schultz does while Newkirk pretends to. A short time later, Schultz is seen drunk, while thinking that they are on a train headed for Düsseldorf. As Schultz starts to drink some more of the spiked beer from his helmet, the bartender reappears with the needed parts. Newkirk then walks over to him, and takes the parts, quickly hiding them under his uniform. With that accomplished, Newkirk walks over to Schultz, whom he quickly convinces that he has already gone to see the dentist, and had the tooth taken care of. Then, with Max's help, he starts to lead a drunken Schultz out of the bar, intending to head back to camp with both him and the parts.

The pair are shortly seen returning to the prison camp, with Newkirk pushing a drunken and singing Schultz in a wheelbarrow that he has somehow gotten his hands on. They are met at the front gate by Langenscheidt, who is atonished by Schultz's drunken appearance, while Schultz accidently calls him 'Hans', which is actually Schultz's first name, and then starts to call Klink a big shot. After Langenscheidt opens up the front gate, Newkirk rolls Schultz into camp, while warning him to stop singing, else Klink would hear him, just as an angry Klink suddenly appears with a couple of armed guards. After seeing Newkirk stop the wheelbarrow, and after hearing Schultz call him a big shot to his face, Klink starts to dress down Schultz, shocked by the fact that he and Newkirk had been in town for several hours and that he has just returned to Stalag 13, in a drunken state and having been wheelbarrowed in by a prisoner. They are meanwhile joined by Hogan, who had thought that one of his men is in trouble, before Newkirk points out that it is actually Schultz who is in trouble. As Newkirk and Hogan, after helping Schultz out of the wheelbarrow, watch, Klink informs Schultz that he would be walking a guard post in front of the camp for a while. At least he will be walking the post until his replacement's arrival, and then he would have him sent to someone else's command, much to the surprise of both Hogan and Newkirk. Klink then leaves with the other guards, while Hogan and Newkirk start to lead Schultz away from the gate, while a still drunken Schultz starts to sing again.

The next morning, the prisoners are shown standing in front of Barracks 2, all feeling guilty about what may happen to Schultz because of their recent plan, as they watch him walk the guard post as ordered to by Klink. As they watch, they all pondered if Klink would really send Schultz elsewhere, especially after how long it had taken them to train him to look the other way. Their worst fears are soon answered as they watch his replacement, Sgt. Krebs, arrive at camp via a motorcycle, which soon stops in front of Klink's office. As Krebs starts to exit the sidecar, Klink exits his office and then stops in front of Krebs, before he starts to look over Krebs' orders. At the same time, Hogan decides to test him, after he and the others see how gung ho he acts in front of Klink. Hogan tells Carter to go check out the new man. Carter agrees and walks over to Klink's office. Carter then proceeds to walk past Krebs and Klink, just moments after Klink has told Krebs how smoothly things are run at the camp, before greeting Klink as if they are old friends. Though Klink doesn't seem to notice, Krebs, upon seeing this, barks at Carter to halt and then to come to attention, which Carter quickly does. He then tells Carter that he is not supposed to address the Kommandant casually, which impresses Klink, as well as worries the other prisoners, who are watching the entire scene from the barracks. Klink then happily tells Carter that if he isn't careful, Krebs would sweep him into the cooler. He then tells Carter to leave, which he does, before Klink leads Krebs away, so that he can show the new Sergeant the rest of the camp.

Later, inside the barracks, the prisoners, after learning that it would be three more days before the radio would once again be workable, are soon discussing among themselves what to do about Krebs, as he could end their organization. Hogan quickly rejects LeBeau's suggestion of trying to tempt Krebs with strudel because of how long it took them just to get Schultz to look the other way. Just then, a tired Schultz enters the barracks, asking if he could borrow some of the foot powder that they have just gotten from the Red Cross while he sat down to rest himself. As LeBeau gets some for him, he informs the prisoners that he still doesn't understand how he could've gotten drunk from drinking just one beer and that he is worried about being sent to another command, fearing that it would lead to the Russian Front. The prisoners try to reassure him that he might just be sent to a more local command, which Schultz refuses to believe. After he hears Carter's suggestion that he might actually be sent somewhere that would have him closer to his wife, Schultz comments that he didn't think that the Eastern Front is so bad after all. At that moment, Winslow exits Hogan's office asking for a cigarette. After being given one by Hogan, he asks for a light, which is quicken given to him by Schultz. But before he is able to get back into Hogan's office, Schultz realizes that Winslow doesn't belong there and gets up from the table, his rifle soon aimed at Winslow and informing Hogan that he doesn't recognize him and that reporting him should get his transfer killed. Hogan soon counters with a reminder that he would instead be court-martialed by Klink since Winslow had appeared while he has been the Sergeant of the Guards. This depresses Schultz, but he then tells Hogan that he still has to do his duty and has to report him being in the barracks, even if it did mean that he would be court-martialed. During the exchange between the two, Schultz realizes that Winslow is obviously the pilot earlier shot down near Düsseldorf that everyone is looking for, while Hogan promises him that in exchange for Schultz not reporting Winslow that they would get rid of Krebs and thus help keep Schultz from being sent away. Schultz reluctantly agrees to the idea, although he then tells Hogan that he has already been told by Langescheidt that the transfer papers have already been signed. Hogan quickly tell him that while the papers have indeed been signed, they have not yet been sent out of camp and he then shows Schultz the paper in question before he starts to read to him what is written on it.

A short time later, Carter is seen talking to Krebs. Carter soon shows Krebs a homemade radio which he then gives to the Sergeant, while telling him that he is giving it to him so that he could make a good impression on Klink. Krebs happily takes the radio, thanks Carter, and then leaves with it, while Carter looks on, knowing what is soon going to happen. Krebs is soon standing in front of Klink in his office, explaining to him that he has taken the radio from one of the prisoners. Klink is impressed by the Sergeant's story, and promises an investigation into the matter, before he tries to turn on the radio. This results in him being squirted in the face with water, which knocks his monocle off of his face, starting Hogan's plan to get rid of Krebs. This angers Klink while a surprised Krebs looks on. Not too long after that, Newkirk and Kinch are seen standing in front of one of the barracks. Newkirk then leaves, after throwing some kind of device onto the ground. After Newkirk leaves, Kinch is seen lying face down on the ground, leaning over the device while starting to talk towards the ground. This is soon witnessed by Krebs, as he hears Kinch telling Hogan that if he can hear him, then the tunnel that he is presently creating is too close to the surface. Krebs soon leaves to inform Klink, as shortly does a smiling Kinch, knowing that Krebs have once again fallen for their tricks. Several moments later, Krebs arrives with Klink and another soldier, while telling him what he has heard, just seconds before Klink falls through a hole in the ground, just at the spot where Krebs claims that he has seen Kinch earier. Falling through the hole makes Klink even angrier at Krebs.

A short time after that, Hogan is seen standing next to the now once again operating radio, as he informed his men that it has been confirmed that the sub is ready to pick up Winslow. After hearing that, Newkirk asked him how they are going to get Winslow out of the camp with Krebs sniffing around. Hogan tells his men that he would be sent through the emergency tunnel while he already has a plan prepared that would take advantage of the fact that Krebs listens in at the windows outside their barracks every night to try to listen in on any conversation that might occurs in front of the window. They are going to take advantage of that fact and use it to get Winslow out of the camp while at the same time get rid of Krebs, and keep Schultz at Stalag 13.

The plans begins as Krebs is seen standing next to a window outside Barracks 2, as he overhears Carter, Newkirk and LeBeau talking about something that is to occur the following night. Krebs, after hearing the converstation, quickly leaves. The next morning, Krebs approaches Carter as the latter is hanging up the wash. Upon seeing Krebs, Carter apologizes for the squirting radio, telling him that he had no idea that the others had set it up to do that. Krebs accepts the apology, then asks Carter if anything is going to happen tonight. Upon hearing that, Carter loudly protests that he isn't a snitch, but he then let slips out that he might not be around tomorrow, to the delight of Krebs, who then leaves, planning to stop the escape. What he does not know is that Carter has slipped up on purpose, as part of the prisoners' plan to get rid of Krebs.

Later that night, the prisoners say goodbye to Winslow as LeBeau comments about how the Texan have wanted his rations prepared, barbecued, to LeBeau's annoyance. After going over the plan, a happy Winslow goes back into the tunnels. Krebs then enters the building. Upon seeing him, Newkirk proceeds to show him some card tricks while LeBeau and Carter silently slips into Hogan's office, to join Hogan and Kinch. As Newkirk keeps him occupied, three of the prisoners (Hogan, Carter and LeBeau) leaves the barracks, so that they can allow themselves to be captured by Schultz.

The three prisoners, after cutting through the barbed wire, soon find Schultz, who is once again doing guard duty. The trio soon stopped before a surprised Schultz, quickly informing him that they are there so that he can capture them, thereby helping to keep him at the camp. Schultz is very reluctant to capture them, fearing that it would only lead to more trouble for him. Upon hearing that, Hogan tells Carter and LeBeau to start yelling, which they do as a nervous Schultz tries to stop them. The yelling soon catches the attention of the other guards, who quickly turn on the alarm and start to release the dogs. It also catches Krebs' attention, who quickly leaves Barracks 2, to Newkirk's amusement before he and Kinch heads for the rising bed entrance.

Klink, who is being driven in the sidecar of a motorcycle, eventually arrives on the scene to investigate what is going on. He sees Schultz standing in front of three prisoners with his rifle aimed at them. Klink then asks what is going on. The prisoners are soon "complaining" to him that they had tried to escape and would've gotten away if not for Schultz. Krebs then arrives on the scene. He is soon being questioned by Klink about where he has been. Krebs tells Klink that he has been in the barracks, as he had earlier heard that the prisoners had planned to make an escape and that he had expected it to orginate from there. Klink quickly tells Krebs that it had obviously been a decoy and that because of that he is to be relieved of his duties there and is to be reassigned elsewhere while he plans to reinstates Schultz as Sergeant of the Guards. Hearing this makes Schultz happy. This soon causes the prisoners to loudly "protest", as they start to claim that Schultz is a monster. Their complaints are music to Klink's ears, who then tells Schultz that Hogan is to be confined to the barracks while Carter and LeBeau are to be sent to the cooler for two weeks, before he leaves the scene with Krebs and the other guards. Once Klink and the other guards are gone, the trio congratulates Schultz and then suggests to him that he should go easy on them since they have helped him stay at camp. Instead, Schultz decides to get even tougher with the trio, as he starts to lead them towards the cooler and the barracks for their "failed" escape attempt. As Schultz does so, Hogan protests about how soon they forget. While all this is going on, Winslow is being lead through the emergency tunnel by Kinch so that he can leave for England to rejoin his unit.

Story Notes

 * This is the fifteenth produced episode of the series, but is the eleventh one to be shown on television.
 * The title for this episode is based on the title of cartoonist Charles M. Schulz's bestseller, Hapiness is a Warm Puppy.
 * This is the first episode where the prisoners try to keep Schultz from being replaced by another Sergeant.
 * This is the first time Schultz's first name, Hans, is mentioned in the series.
 * A historical figure is mentioned during the episode: Sitting Bull.
 * A fictional character is mentioned in the episode: The Lone Ranger.

Timeline Notes and Speculations

 * This episode appears to take place at the end of 1943 or early 1944.
 * Hogan mentions in the episode that it took them six months to get Schultz to look the other way with regards to their operations.

Quotes
After seeing how tall Capt. Jeb Winslow was:


 * Capt. Winslow (As he takes off his hat): Well, howdy.
 * Hogan (to LeBeau): How'd you get him through the tunnel? (He then sees Jeb's cowboy hat and kerchief) Did you come by plane or horse?
 * Jeb: Oh, these here are my good luck flying clothes.
 * Hogan: Yeah, well if Sitting Bull gets in the war, you'll be all set.

Hogan to Newkirk after stuffing some cottonballs into his mouth, after coming up with an idea to get new parts for the radio:


 * Hogan: Now, if you will please -- Please, open wide?
 * LeBeau: Open wide, please? (Starts stepping onto a footstool.)
 * Hogan: This won't hurt.
 * LeBeau: This won't hurt.
 * Hogan: Cotton?
 * LeBeau: Cotton. (Gives Hogan a cottonball, which Hogan then puts into Newkirk's mouth.)
 * Hogan: There we are. Now, have a toothache, and that's an order.
 * Newkirk: (Mumbles incoherently to first Hogan, then LeBeau.)

After Colonel Klink had told Schultz to keep an eye on Newkirk when he was in the dentist's office:


 * Klink: And you will stay with him at all times, even while the dentist treats him.
 * Schultz: Sir, the dentist might have to pull his tooth.
 * Klink: SO?
 * Schultz: I can't stand the sight of blood.
 * Klink (Slams fist onto his desk): Imbecile!!!! How did you ever get into the German Army?
 * Hogan: I think he lied about his weight. (Newkirk chuckles at Hogan's quip.)

After going to the hotel bar, Schultz gets drunk thanks to Newkirk:


 * Schultz: Excuse me sir, what time does this train get to Düsseldorf?
 * Newkirk: I'll let you know.
 * Schultz: Thank you very much, sir. (Drinks out of his helmet) Ahhhh. Very good beer in this place, but the glasses are terrible.

An intoxicated Schultz is standing in front of Klink


 * Schultz: Request permission to fall flat on my face, if necessary!

Schultz is talking to Hogan, wondering how he'd gotten drunk:


 * Schultz: One thing I don't understand--how could I get so drunk on one glass of beer?
 * Hogan: Never drink on an empty stomach, Schultz.
 * Schultz: You call this empty?

Schultz's comment after being told by Carter that he might get transformed to a place that would put him near his wife:


 * Carter: Cheer up, Schultz. Maybe they'll send you to a good post?
 * Schultz: Or, maybe they're going to send me to the Russian Front?
 * Carter: Well, if they transfer you close to home, you'll be able to see your wife more often?
 * Schultz: All of a sudden, the Russian Front sounds very good.

As Jeb is being prepared for his trip by the prisoners:


 * Jeb: I'm goin' back to little ol' England!
 * Lebeau: And next time you're captured, find yourself another POW camp. He made me barbecue K-rations for him. Americans!

Bloopers

 * Carter is once again shown wearing a wedding ring, although he is not married in the series.
 * In the scene where Newkirk arrives back at Stalag 13 with a drunken Schultz, Schultz mistakenly calls Corporal Langenscheidt, Hans, which is actually his own first name.
 * When Schultz 'recaptures' the Heroes near the end of the episode, Klink arrives and, shockingly, salutes Schultz first. It was (and remains) general practice and courtesy for the subordinate officer to salute first in any instance where a salute is appropriate.