Go Light on the Heavy Water

Prisoners

 * Colonel Hogan - Bob Crane
 * Corporal Peter Newkirk - Richard Dawson
 * Sergeant James Kinchloe - Ivan Dixon
 * Sergeant Andrew Carter - Larry Hovis

Camp Personnel

 * Kommandant Wilhelm Klink - Werner Klemperer
 * Sergeant Hans Schultz - John Banner

Semi-Regulars

 * Fräulein Helga - Cynthia Lynn

Guest Stars

 * Captain Mueller - John Stephenson
 * Sergeant Steinfeld - Lawrence Montaigne
 * Scotty - Eddie Firestone

Synopsis
Hogan plans to destroy a heavy water supply by convincing Klink it is a youth potion so he will drink it.

Plot Details
At the start of the episode, a heavily protected German truck, followed by soldiers driving motorcycles, is going down a road. After a while, the vehicles stops on that same road because of the heavy aerial bombardment that they are driving through. Two Germans then exits the truck, and start to converse, to decide what to do, since they can no longer go on because of the air raid. The two looked over a map, and decide on where they should stay until the bombardment is over. Upon seeing that Stalag 13 isn't too far from their present location, they decide to go there.

The next scene shows Hogan kissing Helga in her office, with Hogan soon commenting that he is due an hour's recreation since he has earlier missed the volleyball game. Helga then comments on Hogan's shaving lotion. Klink then opens the door to his office, and have the two almost fall into his arms, as they are both standing in front of the door. After coming up with an explanation for their being in front of the door, with Helga claiming that she has been telling Hogan that Klink did not want to be disturb, Klink thanks her and then dismisses his secretary, while Hogan walks into his office. Klink quickly informs Hogan that any more demonstations by his men during air raids would be punished. He then informs Hogan that the raid has only caused minor damage, an illustration of the efficiency of the "Illustrious Luftwaffe" Then Captain Mueller, the officer from the truck, enters Klink's office along with Schultz, who informs Klink that the Captain wanted to stay in the camp for a while. Schultz then informs Klink that the Captain and his men has been caught in the same raid which has destroyed a nearby Messerschmitt factory, and that the planes have all gotten away before the Luftwaffe could arrive to stop them. Hogan and Schultz then leaves Klink's office. Once they're gone, the Captain asks Klink for sanctuary for him and his group, then tells Klink that they are on their way to Berlin with an important cargo from Norway for a secret project and that they needed shelter for the moment. He then starts to tell him what is inside the truck: water.

The prisoners look out of one of the windows of Barracks 2, all of them trying to figure out what is actually inside the parked truck. Schultz then enters the barracks, asking Hogan for some of his after-shave lotion. Hogan asks Schultz what is inside the truck in exchange for the lotion. Schultz tells him that the driver has told him that it is only a barrel of water from Norway. Hogan and the other prisoners believe that Schultz is telling them the truth, but they do not believe that the driver has told Schultz the whole truth.

A short time later, Hogan and Kinchloe are seen near the truck, with Kinch carrying a "No Smoking" sign. Hogan talks with the Sergeant of the guards who are guarding the truck and tells him that they are going to put up the sign so that no one would smoke near the nitro that is inside the truck, following Klink's orders. The sergeant denies that there is any nitro inside in truck, but Hogan is finally able to convince him that there is, else why all of the guards. He then tells Kinch to put the sign up. After that is completed, they leave. Newkirk is then seen near the truck, about to take a smoke. The Sergeant tries to stop Newkirk from smoking, and is soon joined by the other guards when Newkirk refuses. Newkirk resists the guards, complaining as he does so, while Carter enters the truck from the front, and once inside, gets a sample of what is inside the barrel. After that is completed, Hogan arrives, and after the guards stop, he shows Newkirk the no smoking sign. Upon seeing it, Newkirk apoloziges to the Sergeant for his earlier behavior. At this point, Klink appears, asking what is going on. As the head guard tries to explain, he sees Klink's cigarette holder and quickly knocks it out of Klink's mouth. He then shows the no smoking sign to a flabergasted Klink, who has never ordered such a sign to be put up. Klink, after hearing Hogan say that he had anticipated his order because of the obviously volatile material inside the truck, sees the sign and then demands that the sign be taken down, while informing Hogan that the only thing inside the truck is a barrel of water. Hogan and Newkirk don't believe Klink's story, thinking that the Captain is keeping him in the dark about what is really inside the barrel.

Inside the barracks, Carter tests the sample, then drinks it. He informs the others that it is indeed water. The heroes then contact London, via the sub, informing them that the Germans have a barrel of water from Norway headed for Berlin inside the camp and they wanted to know what to do with it. The response they receive is that the barrel is to be destroyed at all cost. The barrel's content is actually heavy water, which is to be used for atomic research. Once learning the truth about the barrel of water, Hogan starts to put together a plan to get it out of German hands.

Hogan is soon back in Helga's office, kissing the secretary again. Klink appears and interrupts them again. After Helga leaves, Hogan apologizes for the earlier incident, then he start talking to the Kommandant, soon convincing him that the water inside the truck actually came from a spa in Norway which Marie Antoinette and Louis XVI use to visit. The water itself has helped grow hair for King Louis XVI, thus helping to inprove his sex life. He then suggests that the high command shouldn't be getting all of the goodies, including the water.

Klink later goes into the back of the truck to check on the water, under the pretense of making sure that it is safe. Once inside the truck, he tastes the water, which is observed by the prisoners of Barracks 2, including Hogan. The next day, Helga pretends to notice a spring in Klink's step and to have found some dandruff on his shoulder. Hogan later enters Klink's office with a list of complaints for the Red Cross, while getting a nod from Helga informing him that she has performed her part of the act. He then pretends to notice something different about Klink, before the Kommandant happily exclaims that he has earlier been told that he has dandruff. Hogan, with mock surprise, asks Klink if he has drank some of the water. Klink refuses to admit that he has. Hogan then slyly suggest that Klink keeps the barrel for himself.

That night, Klink plans to replace the barrel of heavy water with another barrel containing ordinary water. Klink goes to Schultz, who is guarding the truck, and bribes him with the promise of a promotion. Schultz accepts the bribe and goes into the truck with Klink to help him switch the barrels. But the plan is foiled when Captain Mueller appears and, after Schultz is dismissed by Klink, Mueller informs Klink that the water in the barrel is actually heavy water, and it is to be used for atomic experiments. After being informed of this, Klink asks if he would die from drinking the water, and Mueller reply that he would if Berlin finds out about the incident.

With their original plan foiled, Hogan and his men now have to come up with their own idea to replace the barrel. They first have a barrel created, which is then filled with water. Next, Newkirk and Carter, as they are playing catch near Klink's office, creates a diversion by throwing an incendiary device through Klink's office window. The incendiary releases smoke inside Klink's office, which is soon noticed by Schultz, Hogan, Newkirk, Carter, Kinch and Scotty, who at various times start yelling fire. This soon causes a commotion among the guards, while Hogan convinces the Sergeant guarding the truck to move it away from the building, to keep the vehicle from possibly exploding. The truck is soon placed in front of Barracks 2. During the distraction that follows, Kinch and Scotty replaces the barrel of heavy water inside the truck with the ordinary barrel of water.

Meantime, Klink, after getting his important papers and his helmet, heads for his office window, prepared to jump, and walks right into the water that is coming from a firehose which is being used to put out the 'fire'. After that, he sees Newkirk and Carter holding onto a blanket, along with Hogan, all telling him to jump into the blanket. Klink is at first reluctant, thinking that the two non-coms would move away when he did jump. After hearing them promise that they wouldn't move, he finally jumps out of his office window, only to fall onto the ground because Newkirk and Carter claims that he has took too long to jump. Klink, after getting up, complained to Hogan about what his men have just did, as he brush himself off, while Hogan reminded him that he did take too long to jump. At that moment, Mueller joins Klink and Hogan, soon informing Klink that the truck with the water is safe, thanks to Hogan's quick thinking. The German Captain then boasts to Hogan that his actions might has actually shorten the war. A smiling Hogan comments that he wouldn't be surprise, since he knew that the barrel now inside the truck isn't the one containing the heavy water.

Later, Hogan is kissing Helga for a third time in the episode, before he goes in to see Klink, after the pair performs yet another snow job on him. Once inside, Klink braggs to Hogan that he didn't have him fooled, that he knew all along that the barrel contained water and that he just played along with him earlier. As he has a hand on his helmet, Klink adds that he didn't get to the rank of Colonel by being an ignorant fool. At this point, Hogan pretends to notice Klink's hair again. Hogan leaves Klink's office after making another comment about his hair. Once Klink is alone, he looks in a mirror. As he does, he ponders if the heavy water did indeed make hair grow.

Story Notes

 * This is the tenth produced episode of the series, but is the ninth one to be shown on television.
 * LeBeau is mentioned, but does not appear in this episode. No reason for his absence is ever given. He is replaced by Scotty for this episode. Scotty continually appears on the show as a background prisoner/character, saying an occasional line or two.
 * This episode alludes to the Nazis attempts to create an atomic bomb by using heavy water from Norway and the Western Allies' attempts to prevent it.
 * Three historical figures are mentioned in this episode: Mata Hari, Marie Antoinette and Louis XVI.
 * A historical battle is mentioned: Battle of the Marne.
 * World War I is mentioned in passing.

Background Trivia

 * This is John Stephenson's first appearance in the series. He is better remembered as a voice actor on The Flintstones, and the announcer at the opening credits for the television series, Dragnet.

Timeline Notes and Speculations

 * This episode begins on January 12, 1944. Schultz mentions that the day before, a heavy Allied bombing raid had "knocked the stuffing out of the Messerschmitt factory and got away from the Luftwaffe!" Such a raid did indeed occur on January 11, carried out by 600 planes of the U.S. Army Air Forces against multiple German aircraft industry targets. The USAAF lost 60 planes during the raid.

Quotes
As Captain Mueller reads a map, while his sergeant holds a lighted match over it:


 * Captain Mueller: Get me the map. The bombing is much too heavy to continue.
 * Sergeant: Shall we take cover here?
 * Captain Mueller: DUMMKOPF! With what we're carrying?... You realize what will happen to us if we do not deliver this cargo to Berlin safely?
 * Sergeant: The Russian front.
 * Captain Mueller (nods gravely): Ja! And we be just in time for the winter sports.
 * Sergeant (nervous laugh): Ha ha!

Mueller continues looking at the map.


 * Captain Mueller (continuing): Ah ha! - we are only a few minutes away from a prisoner-of-war camp. That is where we will go.
 * Sergeant: Will our cargo be safe there, Captain?
 * Captain Mueller: The Allies would never bomb their own men. Stalag 13? The toughest POW camp in all of Germany.

As Hogan waits outside Klink's office, he is kissing Helga:


 * Helga: Mmm, you smell good.
 * Hogan: The boys whipped up a little aftershave. (kisses her again)
 * Helga: It's very exciting.
 * Hogan: It's called 'Unconditional Surrender'.

As Colonel Klink was trying to demoralize Hogan by telling him that the recent raid was a disaster:


 * Colonel Klink: ... No damage was done and your bombers suffered severe losses at the hands of our illustrious Luftwaffe. (Hear several knocks on his door) Come in.
 * Schultz: (walking in to the office introducing Captain Mueller) Herr Kommandant, this is Captain Mueller. He hardly escaped that terrible raid!
 * Colonel Klink: That raid was a complete failure!
 * Schultz: No, Herr Kommandant! They knocked the stuffing out of the Messerschmitt factory and got away from the Luftwaffe!

(Klink is starting to look embarrassed as Schultz's reply explodes what he has earlier told Hogan.)


 * Hogan (Rubbing it in): Illustrious Luftwaffe. (Klink is looking even more embarrassed.)
 * Schultz: Illustrious Luft...
 * Colonel Klink: Shultz!

After being told by Klink that the only thing inside the truck was a barrel:


 * Hogan: The driver says it's water, Schultz says it's water, now Klink says it's water.
 * Newkirk: What do you think it is, Colonel?
 * Hogan: With those three men of integrity, I know one thing.
 * Newkirk: What?
 * Hogan: It ain't water.

From the Heroes to their contacts in London via sub:


 * Hogan: Big Bad Wolf has hot barrel of water.
 * Voice from Sub: Barrel of water, at your house now?
 * Hogan: Roger! On way to Adolf's village from Vikings' village.
 * Kinchloe: Vikings' village?
 * Hogan (Covers mic): Norway.

Hogan, as he and the other prisoners watch Klink drink from the barrel containing heavy water:


 * Hogan: Whoever said, "You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink?"

Conversation after Hogan has falsely noticed a difference in Klink's appearance:


 * Hogan: I don't-I don't know. There's somehow something different about you.
 * Klink: Different?
 * Hogan: Yeah. I just can't put my finger on it.
 * Klink: Maybe my walk is a little springier?

(Klink then starts to walk springier.)


 * Hogan: Yeah... you seem... I don't know...
 * Klink: More youthful?
 * Hogan: Yeah, yeah... that too.

Klink crosses over to Hogan and then brushes his shoulder.


 * Klink (Estatic): I had dandruff today.
 * Hogan (Looks at Klink's head): I don't believe it. You're really growing... (Stop) Wait a minute. Did you get to that water barrel?
 * Klink (indignant): Colonel Hogan! I am a soldier. If that water goes to Berlin, it goes to Berlin.
 * Hogan: It's a shame. A barrel of that stuff and you'd be a bushy-haired kid again.

Klink unconsciously rubs his head (for the third time that episode).

After Mueller catches Klink and Schultz inside his truck:


 * Klink: Ah, Captain Mueller.
 * Mueller: Colonel Klink, what were you doing?
 * Klink: Ah, I was just checking up on our valuable cargo. (Looks at Schultz) Dismissed Schultz.
 * Schultz: Jahowl, Herr Kommandant! (Schultz leaves.)
 * Klink: By the way, I found out about that water.
 * Mueller: You did? From whom?
 * Klink: Colonel Hogan.
 * Mueller: He knows!
 * Klink: The Frenchman told him.
 * Mueller: How did the Frenchman find out?
 * Klink: Did you know that Marie Antoinette and Louis XVI of France used to go to that spa in Norway for the same water. Oh, it does wonder for you.
 * Mueller (through clenched teeth): Colonel Klink, somebody is making a fool of you.
 * Klink: What do you mean?
 * Mueller: I suppose you must know now, but this is TOP SECRET! (in a very low stage whisper) This water is for use in nuclear experiments. It is known as "heavy" water.
 * Klink: I drank some of that water. (gasps, and clutches his throat) Will I die from it?
 * Mueller: Only if Berlin finds out.

After a phony fire (caused by two incendiary devices) has been set outside of Klink's office to create a diversion so that the prisoners could replace the heavy water with a barrel of ordinary water:


 * Klink: Captain, the truck. Is it safe?
 * Mueller: Yes, and we have Colonel Hogan to thank for that.
 * Klink: Colonel Hogan?
 * Hogan: Well, I knew that barrel of water was pretty important to you fellows.
 * Mueller: You may have done a service to your country, Colonel Hogan. Because of you, the war may be shortened.
 * Hogan (smiling, knowing the truth): I wouldn't be at all surprised.

Klink, claiming that he knew what Hogan had been trying to get him to do earlier:


 * Klink: You don't rise to the rank of Colonel because you're easily fooled.

After Hogan is once more inside Klink's office, while claiming that he has noticed hair growing on Klink's hair:


 * Klink (As he sees Hogan looking at his hair): What the matter?
 * Hogan: You know, maybe that heavy water does grow hair.

After Hogan leaves, Klink looks into the mirror.

Bloopers

 * In one scene, the prisoners convinced Klink that his office was on fire so that he was forced to pick up his papers and jump out of a window. Only the window's location does not match with the exterior of the office setup.
 * When Steinfeld backs the truck up to the barracks, he is off to one side of the window, but when Kinch and Scotty pull down the wall, the truck is centered perfectly on the window.