The Collector General

Prisoners

 * Colonel Hogan - Bob Crane
 * Corporal Louis LeBeau - Robert Clary
 * Corporal Peter Newkirk - Richard Dawson
 * Sergeant James Kinchloe - Ivan Dixon
 * Sergeant Andrew Carter - Larry Hovis

Camp Personnel

 * Kommandant Wilhelm Klink - Werner Klemperer
 * Sergeant Hans Schultz - John Banner

Semi-Regulars

 * Fräulein Hilda - Sigrid Valdis

Guest Stars

 * General Metzger - Gavin MacLeod
 * Lisa - Heidy Hunt
 * Karl - John Stephenson

Synopsis
Hogan tries to keep a fortune in art from winding up in the collection of a general.

Plot Details:

It is late at night and Newkirk and LeBeau are busy sneaking Underground Agent Lisa into the camp via the Emergency Tunnel. The smooth Newkirk gently cradles Lisa as she enters the tunnel, and the witty LeBeau invokes Newkirk's ire by leaping into his arms to be cradled the same way. A little later, Hogan begins inspecting several photographs Lisa has given him. They are of a nearby old abandoned mine which hasn't been used in years, until now. The Germans have sealed the mine with a reinforced steel door and installed a camouflaged sentry box nearby. All present wonder why the Germans would be interested in such a seemingly simple mine, but since Hogan has no ideas, he instructs Lisa to have the Underground watch the mine and report if anything noteworthy happens. He then instructs LeBeau and Newkirk to spirit Lisa out of the camp and asks Newkirk to ease off his romantic advances towards Lisa. Newkirk insists he is in love with her despite Hogan pointing out Newkirk has only known her for ten minutes. Hogan then asks what Newkirk would have done if Lisa was middle aged and unattractive. Newkirk simply declares it would have taken him an extra fifteen minutes to fall in love with her. Hogan semi-seriously declares that they have to end they war since Newkirk is a menace.

That day, a well guarded German truck and staff car enter Stalag 13. A German general greets the extremely surprised Klink who escorts the general to his office. The Heroes are immediately suspicious and retreat to Hogan's office to overhear the conversation via the coffee pot listening device. Klink and the general, named Metzger propose a toast to Adolf Hitler as they have a round of schnapps before getting to business. After being assured by Klink that their security is guaranteed, Metzger reveals he has been ordered by Hitler to see that arms and ammunition piles are hidden in strategic locations across Germany. The first location is the nearby abandoned mine and the truck that was brought into camp contains the goods. He orders Klink to have a twenty-four hour guard posted at the mine and brushes away Klink's protest by referring to the backing he has from Hitler. Klink asks Metzger if the war is turning against Germany, given that hiding weapons across the country is not a winner's tactic, but Metzger declares the act to be a precaution. Metzger orders Klink to keep the mission a secret so morale won't be affected, to which Klink agrees and insists that he firmly believes Germany will win the war. His faith (at least to the viewers) is put into question when he drastically tries to change the subject by offering Metzger more schnapps.

Hogan is disturbed by this news and quite suspicious given that, as Klink mentioned, hiding guns everywhere is a loser's tactic and Germany isn't in danger of losing the war at the moment. He is also suspicious since it's quite unusual for a general to be overseeing such work. He instructs Kinch to radio London and find out what they know about Metzger.

Hogan soon sees Kinch for London's reply and learns that Metzger is second-in-command of the German forces occupying France, he has headquarters in Paris and hasn't been seen for three weeks, until now. Hogan is still suspicious of Metzger's purpose, since assigning a general to a supposedly top secret mission would attract unwanted attention. Kinch wonders what would satisfy Hogan's suspicious, to which Hogan replies "a look inside that truck."

Sometime later, LeBeau and Carter are busy cleaning Klink's office under Schultz' supervision. The tired Schultz takes a quick nap on Klink's chair and the two Heroes quickly move to the corner of the room and hold a mop up to the ceiling. Schultz quickly awakens and demands to know what Carter and LeBeau are doing. They claim to be mopping up the water from the wall which was caused by a leak in the roof. They suggest Schultz report it to Klink, but Schultz just tells them to get back to work. A little later, the two Heroes return to ask if Klink wants the hole in his roof fixed. After a lot of trouble just trying to manoeuvre the ladder they have with them, Klink grants permission for them to fix the "hole". The two Heroes move to the outside of the office and start setting up the ladder and tools. Schultz (who is guarding the truck) asks what they're doing, to which they reply that they went over his head to get Klink's permission to fix the roof. Since they have Klink's backing, Schultz goes back to his patrol. Once he is out of sight, Carter throws a heavy roll of material off the roof and LeBeau lies on the ground and starts howling in mock-agony. Carter yells for help, claiming that LeBeau has fallen off the roof and the rest of the Heroes move in. Hogan instructs Schultz to get a stretcher, which Schultz goes to get, but not before leaving a guard to watch the truck. The Heroes quickly improvise and insist LeBeau sit in the truck to rest his "broken ankle" since it's an emergency situation. The German guard can't understand practically anything the Heroes are saying, but he does recognise the word "emergency" and allows LeBeau to sit in the truck. When he moves away on his patrol, LeBeau sneaks into the truck itself and starts to pillage one of the boxes inside. Hogan and Newkirk return to the barracks to get ready for their part of the deception and Carter and Kinch divert all attention away from the truck. When Schultz returns, the two Heroes claim that LeBeau has been moved to the barracks for rest and that Schultz should go help them. Schultz agrees and soon observes "LeBeau" (or rather, Newkirk) resting under a blanket and groaning in agony. Hogan tells Schultz that "LeBeau" just needs to rest and shows him out of the barracks. The real LeBeau in the meantime has moved to the office roof with Carter and waves at Schultz' when he leaves the barracks. The bewildered Schultz bursts into the barracks only to find Hogan and Newkirk alone. The hapless sergeant degenerates into senseless babbling as he tries to figure out what is going on, to Hogan and Newkirk's amusement.

Sometime later, Kinch, Carter and a furious LeBeau return to the barracks. The reason for LeBeau's fury is soon clear as he declares the truck is not filled with ammunition or guns, but valuable French art. LeBeau presents a solid gold snuffbox and an ivory fan as proof. The mystery is now solved, Metzger has been stealing French art and will undoubtedly sell it to make a fortune after the war. Since he is not significantly important enough to steal openly, he has had to do so in secret, hence he is using the ammunition dump as a cover. LeBeau convinces Hogan to recover the stolen art, and Hogan has Kinch ask the Underground for two agents not known by the Germans. Newkirk expresses doubt that they can pull off such a job, but Hogan points out that such a job fits perfectly with their mandate (see the Story Notes for details). LeBeau praises Hogan for his help, but Hogan simply tells LeBeau to shut up.

Later that night, Hogan briefs Lisa and Underground Agents Karl and Walter on their part of the mission. Karl and Walter will be fitted with the German uniforms of a captain and private respectively and they will commandeer the art truck after it has finished unloading at the mine. Hogan reveals that London will make a fake commando raid with dummies air-dropped into the area to keep the sentries distracted. He then asks Carter to prepare some demolition charges and smoke bombs for the operation. After stemming Carter's excitement, Hogan instructs Karl and Walter to take the art truck back to the mine where the art will be loaded onto it and they will take it to a safe-house in Amsterdam. They will be given orders signed by General Metzger (or rather, Kinch) as well as any other documentation they will need to make the trip successful.

The Heroes spring into action when Metzger leaves the camp for the mine. After the art is placed in the mine, Metzger leaves in his car and the truck leaves taking a separate road. Schultz is left to guard the door to the mine. The fake commando raid soon begins and Karl and Walter arrive at the mine with the truck. Karl orders Schultz to accompany him to repel the "raid" and, at Stalag 13, the camp guards and Klink are kept busy by the raid too, leaving the mine unguarded. The Heroes soon get to work cracking the mine door, and Carter uses his smoke bombs to draw the Germans away from the mine and keep them there. The Heroes soon have finished loading all the art onto the truck and Hogan bids Karl and Walter good luck as they prepare to set off for Amsterdam. Karl gives Lisa a goodbye kiss and Hogan points out to the deflated Newkirk that the two are married.

Sometime later, Klink is angrily berating Schultz for leaving his post and demands the sergeant put himself on report. After dismissing Schultz, Klink hears that Metzger has arrived at camp. Fearing the worst, Klink mourns the impending loss of his military career and quite possibly his life too. Hogan tells Klink to stand up to Metzger and Klink seemingly agrees to. Metzger bursts into Klink's office in an incredibly foul mood and waves away Klink's attempt to defend himself. He threatens to have Klink killed if the "ammunition" is not found in twenty-four hours but Hogan rushes to Klink's defence and pretends that Klink is trying to rein in his temper. He goes on to say that Klink was just about to call Hitler to complain about Metzger, and invites Metzger to explain the stolen ammunition to Hitler first. Seeing the potential corner he has been backed into, Metzger insists he will deal with the stolen "ammunition" himself before leaving. Hogan "congratulates" Klink for supposedly handling Metzger, to which Klink happily takes the credit and declares that he will call Hitler to make a complaint. Hogan stops Klink however by reminding him of his "temper".

As Metzger is about to leave camp, he strikes up a conversation with Hogan and informs him that the commando raid was false. He asks Hogan if he might know where to find the stolen "ammunition" to which Hogan declares "in a museum, after the war". Metzger angrily insists he will have a thorough investigation made, but Hogan openly doubts it, declaring that "when you steal from a thief, one sure thing. He'll never call the cops." Hogan then bids the furious Metzger farewell before leaving Metzger to fume.

Story Notes

 * This is the ninetieth produced episode of the series, but is the eighty-ninth to be shown on television and the twenty-seventh episode shown for the Third Season.
 * The title is a pun on that of the movie The Inspector General, starring Danny Kaye.
 * The episode reflects the real-life theft of art treasures from other countries by the Germans during the war.
 * This episode gives us the second version of Hogan's orders from his superiors concerning the heroes: "To assist all escaping prisoners, cooperate with all friendly forces, and to use every means possible to injure and harass the enemy."
 * It is never stated, but General Metzger appears to be General von Hammerschlag's second-in-command of all German forces stationed in and around Paris (Is General Hammerschlag Burning?).
 * This is the first time that we see Klink's family coat of arms.

Timeline Notes and Speculations

 * A date sometime near the end of 1943 appears to be implied by General Metzger's actions.
 * This episode occurs before Art for Hogan's Sake. Concerning the recovery of the art treasures that General Metzger is looting, Newkirk observes to Hogan, "Sir, isn't this a little bit out of our line?" Later, he complains loudly about having to return "gold snuffboxes" to their rightful owners. Newkirk's behavior implies that this is the first time our heroes have had to deal with the Nazi looting of art from occupied countries.

Bloopers

 * Klink's coat of arms has a green lion on a blue field -- that's a charge of a non-metal color on a field of a non-metal color, which is improper in heraldry. The lion would have to be outlined in silver or gold for visibility purposes.
 * The C119 Aircraft making airborne insert in the show actually had its first flight test in 1947. The last C119 was built around 1955.
 * The Gold Snuff Box is said to had been presented to a duc by the Prince of Amalfi in 1749. However, the title Prince of Amalfi does not exist. The title Duke of Amalfi does, but was abolished in 1673 and was not restored until 1902.